V-day, Like D-day with Hearts not Bombs

It's tradition. Every Valentine's Day I post my list of music to live, love and loathe to. It's updated. Have a suggestion for an addition? Please let me know, cos this list is fluid & I'm always looking for more music that makes me want to lie, die and cry.

Pining, it's not just for Forests Anymore:
Tori Amos – Leather
Kelly Clarkson – Beautiful Disaster
Depeche Mode – Lie to Me
Depeche Mode – Only When I Lose Myself
Depeche Mode – Rush
Depeche Mode – Somebody
Ghost of the Robot – Valerie
Ghost of the Robot – Dangerous
Jace Everett – Bad Things
Fall Out Boy – I’m Like a Lawyer with How I’m Always Trying to Get You Off
Feist – 1, 2, 3, 4
Garbage – Number One Crush
INXS – By My Side
Avril Lavigne – Fall to Pieces
Ana Nalick – Catalyst
Kate Nash – We Get On
Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have
No Doubt – Bathwater
Psychedelic Furs – The Ghost In You
Relient K – Be My Escape
Sense Field – Save Yourself
Shakira – Whenever, Wherever
Silverchair – The Greatest View
Skunk Anaise – Secretly
Regina Spektor - Somedays
Mazzy Star – Blue Light
Sugar - Your Favorite Thing
Matthew Sweet – I've Been Waiting
The Cure – Letter to Elise
The Killers – Mr. Brightside
The Lemonheads – Being Around
The Urgency – Fingertips
The Veronicas – Untouched
When in Rome – The Promise

How Happy We Be:
Ash – Shining Light
Bush – The Chemicals Between Us
Coyote Shivers - Sugar High
Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Follow You into the Dark
Depeche Mode – I Am You
Depeche Mode – I Want You Now
Depeche Mode – One Caress
EnVogue – Givin' Him Somethin' He Can Feel
INXS – Mystify
INXS – Never Tear Us Apart
James – Laid
Mundy – To You I Bestow
Nine Inch Nails – The Perfect Drug
Panic at the Disco – Nine in the Afternoon
Paramour – Misery Business
Liz Phair – Supernova
Liz Phair – Why Can't I?
Placebo – Every You, Every Me
Regina Specter – Us
Remy Zero – Destiny
The Cure – Lets Go to Bed
The Flaming Lips – Do You Realize?
The Judybats – Ugly on the Outside

Love is a Four Letter Word
Tori Amos – Baker, Baker
Tori Amos – China
Crowded House – Better Be Home Soon
Depeche Mode – Dangerous
Jimmy Fallon – Idiot Boyfriend
Garbage – Why do You Love Me?
Ghost of the Robot - German. Jewish.
Incubus – Wish You Were Here
INXS – Not Enough Time
Chris Isaak – Wicked Game
Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart
Keane – Somewhere Only We Know
Abra Moore – Trip on Love
Kate Nash – Foundations
Beth Orton – She Cries Your Name
Pink – Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely
Placebo – Post Blue
Shakira – Objection Tango
Space – The Female of the Species
Sponge – Molly (Sixteen Candles)
The Judy Bats – Pain (Makes You Beautiful)
The Sundays – Wild Horses
The Yayhoos – Baby I Love You (Just Leave Me the Fuck Alone)
Toad the Wet Sprocket – Fall Down
Ween – Baby Bitch
Paul Westerberg – Dyslexic Heart

It's a Break-Up cos it's Broken:
Adam Ant – Wonderful
Tori Amos – Putting the Damage On
Tori Amos – Tear in Your Hand
Fiona Apple – Never is a Promise
Michelle Branch – Goodbye to You (acoustic version)
Jeff Buckley – Last Goodbye
Bush – Out of This World
Crowded House – Locked Out
Chris Isaak – Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing
Love Spit Love – Am I Wrong
Natalie Imbruglia – Torn
Pink – So What?
SheDaisy – Lucky 4 U
Tara Maclean – If I Fall
The Cure – A Night Like This
The Cure – In Between Days
The Format - First Single
The Waltons – Colder Than You
They Might Be Giants – Lucky Ball and Chain
Justin Timberlake – Cry Me a River
Robbie Williams – Sexed Up

Revenge is Sweet, Stalking is Sweeter:
Fiona Apple – Limp
Blondie – One Way (or Another)
Michelle Branch – Are You Happy Now?
Blu Cantrell – Hit 'em Up Style
Chicago Soundtrack – Cell Block Tango
Depeche Mode – It's No Good
Depeche Mode – The Bottom Line
Ani DiFranco – Superhero
Jay Gordon – Slept So Long
L7 – Shit List
Morrissey – The More You Ignore Me (The Closer I Get)
Nine Inch Nails – Sin
Placebo – Infra Red
Poe – Angry Johnny
The Police – Every Breath You Take
The Smiths – Bigmouth Strikes Again

All of This Has Happened Before & Will Happen Again:
Better Than Ezra – Desperately Wanting
Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over
Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane
Depeche Mode – It Doesn’t Matter
Depeche Mode – Sweetest Condition
James – Lullaby
Mazzy Star – Fade Into You
Silverchair – Miss You Love
Smashing Pumpkins – Glynis
The Church – Under the Milky Way
The Cure – Pictures of You
The Lemonheads – Favorite T
The Smiths – Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
Toad the Wet Sprocket – Something's Always Wrong
Travis – She’s So Strange

'Sau Sightings

While driving through Wasuau I constantly see things that are stupid, unbelieveable or otherwise. So all of you can enjoy the mystique of the 'Sau I am going to start writing my 'Sau Sightings. It's like Big Foot or Alien sightings, only about the 'Sau. It'll only be the choicest insanity, I promise!

Todays Edition: Snow Fun!

Sighting: Woman with snowblower in driveway on Lavina Dr.. Woman standing in front of snowblower, while the snowblower is on and operational, jamming the pokey end of a broom into the inner workings of said snowblower. She is the reason there are warnings on the hairdryer to not use it in the shower.

Sighting: On Stewart Avenue, on the Church side. Man walking through waist deep snow. Why this is funny: the other side of the street had fully plowed sidewalks. He was either too stupid to notice this, or just enjoys snow up the legs of his pants.

Sighting: At the Farm and Fleet. Woman with tween daughter. Tween daughter is wearing a skirt that was approximately 4-5 inches long, those ballerina style keds, a tight tiny T-shirt and no coat. It was warm yesterday, it wasn't this warm. Also, tween was really a bit too big to be pulling this outfit off in any season. Whore doesn't look good on a 12 year old regardless of size or season though.

Only White Girls Go Wild

This weekend while enjoying the newest season of Torchwood (mmmm) on BBC America I was barraged with an inordinate amount of commercials for the Girls Gone Wild DVDs (why these were on BBC-A I do not know, and it makes me question what the Brits really think us US viewers are looking for in a commercial). Now for anyone who lives under a dark and cable lacking stone, Girls Gone Wild is a bunch of drunk, 95% naked "college" girls who just can't wait to show their goodies to everyone on earth.

While watching the commercial for the eleventy-billionth time I realized something. There are no black, Asian, Hispanic, Indian (native or eastern), multi-ethnic, of unknown ethnic origins, or alien girls going wild. It is only white girls, and 'cept for a rare few, are all blonde. What the hell? Do white girls have so little control over themselves whilst drunk that they just can't stop themselves from getting naked for no residuals and in a way that will make them bubble over with shame in 2 years when they try to get a real job and their Girls Gone Wild stint ruins it? Alternately when Dr. Barbie gets that prestigious internship at some hotsy-totsy hospital and a patient looks up and says, "I know you, you were in Girls Gone Wild, I love your goodies." What will she do?

From what I can tell here are the prerequisites for ending up on a GGW DVD:

#1 Fake Tan, there is no room for pasty girls
#2 Should already be wearing clothes that barely fit the definition of clothing
#3 Should be able to look innocent and modest, while taking off skirt or licking other girls nipple
#4 Should have stick straight hair, it should be at least shoulder length, and if possible, layered
#5 is a "Whoo Hoo" girl
#6 Could also be on one of those commercials featuring starving people some where on earth, cos they are all rail thin.

Please white girls, unless stripper or porn star is a future goal, don't do GGW! That guy who runs the company is a slime-ball who might as well have pedophile printed on his forehead and his hand permanently jacking himself off.

Last night while watching Dane Cook's Vicious Circle on Comedy Central I got to watch the commercial for Girls Gone Wild Barely 18! Which apparently was supposed to feature a bunch of white sluts who just turned 18 and who have just been waiting to get their goodies out for everyone to see. Honestly, I can't imagine girls of such ethics as to be filmed for GGW are really all that big on not showing their goodies to everyone with a candy bar or a soda pop until they are 18.

Final thought: how is it that a fuckstick like Britany Spears gets to continue to live while someone as awesome as Heath Ledger dies? Seriously, if there is someone upstairs, the individual is seriously sick in the head. I'll stick with my atheism.

Dear American (please keep all appendages inside the vehicle while in motion)

Friday afternoon rants. Cos I can. And this looks like I am doing actual work, and apparently the appearance of doing work is more important than actually doing work. I think I need to stop perusing magazines and the accidental consumption of Entertainment Tonight is apparently eating my insides. Not all of this is negative, the last few items are some small gems of joy I found yesterday, small things that give me hope that some day the intelligent may rule, but our chances still seem to be slipping...

 

#1 “Reality” show people are not celebrities. Omarosa, Kristin Cavallari, New York (Tiffany), anyone who’s ever been on Survivor, Sanjaya, any one of the new American Gladiators: None of these people are celebrities. None of them even deserve it. Who declared that having 15 minutes of fame meant you got to be in the news? What the fuck is wrong with the American public that just cos some rich bitch 17 year old threw a Black and White ball on Mtv 4 years ago she gets to be a celebrity. Audrey Hepburn just rolled over in her grave, did you hear that? There was a time when celebrity brought to mind beautiful people, in beautiful clothes, living amazing fabulous lives. Now celebrity has been reduced to a photo of Sanjaya standing outside of a theater in LA with a caption going something like: Even without his crazy hair we can tell it’s you Sanjaya! WHO CARES?

 

#2 I have come to realize that the writer’s strike is having an even bigger impact on the world than forcing me to think, watch DVDs, pick up a Ghost Hunters and Sims 2 habit, it’s contributing to world over population. Yes. It’s true. Cos real celebrities (although are any of them really real in the authentic sense?) are out of work, they are having sex, and getting knocked up. Even the kids are doing it. I mean, Jessica Alba, Nicole Kidman, Jaimie-Lynn Spears, who’s next? Miley Cyrus? Some other Has-Been’s offspring? Please, networks, moguls and producers, go back to the negotiating table, cos if Monique gets knocked up, I am blaming you. (Side note: Should Jennifer Garner-Affleck and Ben decide to go for Violet round 2, I will not be angry though, cos that is the cutest happiest baby ever)

 

#3 Britney Spears is bat-shit, get over it. Did we really need a People magazine cover to alert the populace to this? I mean I can’t imagine people around the country at convience stores and grocery store check-outs looking up and going “Oh God No! Not that precious little girl, what hath happened to dear Britney??” The only thing she hasn’t done yet is off her self, and if the universe works in the proper way it will happen on its own without our intervention. I mean it happened to Anna Nicole, so there is hope for those little boys yet! (no, this is not me being mean, sadly those kids have a better chance at life without her. If Larry Birkhead can raise a kid I believe K-fed can do it too. Wow, their names rhyme.) And oh yeah, bitch lost her virginity at like 15. You can take the trash out of Louisiana but you can’t take the trash out of the girl!

 

#4 Wait, you can’t take the trash out of the whole damn family. The whole Spears clan is fucked. Much like the Lohans, Simpsons, and every other celebrifamily. Does no one remember the Culkin cluster-fuck? Doesn’t the name Jackson conjure up memories of fucked up family? Is anyone shocked that a family that pushes their tiny children into careers that their parents are too ugly and untalented to be in themselves is approximately 3 seconds from self destruction and collapse of the family unit? I mean honestly. The parents end up celebrities in their own way, the more fucked up their kids act, the more famous the parents become for being shitty parents. And sometimes they get to write books about parenting (how to raise a super star (but they forget to mention super-fuck-up). It’s like a parent’s dream come true! Jon Benet got out easily, cos she was approximately 15 years from becoming Britney Spears. At least Lindsey’s got talent. By the way: Billy-Ray, I’ve got my eye on you. Miley’s fucked, if your achy-breaky heart couldn’t tell, you are creating a monster.

 

#5 Please Jessica Simpson go cheer on Tony Romo, maybe he’ll become hypnotized by your excessive breasts and fake lips. Or maybe he’ll mistake your shitty extensions for spun gold and want to suddenly be called Rumplestilskin. No matter what, I am relying on you to be there for him. Cos if you are, the Packers are so going to the Super Bowl, and once again a plague of sadness will follow in your wake. Jessica, you may be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

 

#6 Speaking of football: would someone take out Tom Smug-Ass-Motherfucker Brady out already? Honestly, he is fragile. He fucks a super model, so it’s not like he’s doing any heavy lifting, ever. He can’t be that hard to take out. Cheap shots are more than welcome. Could someone quick grab Warren Sapp up for the playoffs and tell him “we know you are retiring, but remember that horrible cheap shot you pulled on the Packers, yeah, we need you to do that to Tom Brady, and if you get a chance Randy Moss. Thanks Sapp, there’s a bonus in your future, I can just smell it, and it doesn’t smell like Chunky Soup.” Alternately, would someone get him a Chunky Soup contract? How’s he avoided that???

 

#7 Regardless of what Rachael Ray says, you can’t make one of her meals in 30 minutes unless you are fueled by a meth macchiato and have the assistance of Satan himself. I guess if I had a team of fuckers (but possibly ninjas) warming up my pans and doing all the prep and keeping an eye on everything while I stood in front of a counter for 20 minutes espousing how easy it really is to make meatballs, I too could make a meal in 30 minutes. Granted the food generally turns out tasty, but 30 minutes quickly turns into 120 minutes without the benefit of hangin’ with Kennedy or Matt Pinfield.

 

#8 No matter what anyone says; it doesn’t get any hotter than James Marsters making out with John Barrowman, mostly cos unlike porn, they actually look totally into it. Torchwood is the best thing to happen to the Dr. Who franchise since Christopher Eccleston. Oh yeah, they also shoot at each other, which ups the hotness. I wish American TV was as forward thinking. But I also wish that Helo, Anders, and Apollo would compete in oil wrestling versus Capt Mal, Jayne and Simon. Not all my dreams can so easily come true. (BTW girls, its okay to admit you like watching guys make out. If guys can revel in lesbians, you can admit that there is just something hot about 2 guys going after each other as if they were made of roast beef and they hadn’t seen food in 2 weeks.) Torchwood's Coming Back, now with more Marsters!!!

 

#9 I give a shit about what Penn Jillett has to say. You should too. Penn Jillette is on my list of large men I would let violate me. (This list also involves Seth Rogen who isn’t that large and Kevin Smith, just cos I’d be hoping that some of his genius would be left behind. I am sick and need help. I know this) But he's also hella smart. Also he is an avid fan of if you are gonna be crazy then go whole heartedly into the abyss. He agrees with the pope on everything, except that whole god thing, and that makes my day:

From Crackle: Penn Says - I Agree With the Pope

 

Finally #10: If you are familiar with the infamous Patton oswald rant on the KFC famous bowls you can't help but find this to be raucously hysterical: Patton Taste Tests the Bowl on the howling rim of Famous-ity Also if you haven't been watching, I suggest tuning into A Daily Show with John Stewart, without writrs John has readily admitted that his show is slowly devolving into his own personal version of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Anyone who calls Larry King a "talking Gnome" I am gonna keep watching.

It's the Most Horrific Time of the Year

Christmas. Fuck.

Don’t get me wrong. I like the idea of Christmas, the getting together of friends and family to eat excessively and give each other gifts cos some teenaged mother had a baby 2,000+ years ago. The idea of good will and good cheer and familiar drunkenness and the iconization of a fat man in a red suit (he’s like a golden calf, only he wears red and is hairy) are just fine by me. Conceptually it’s fine. The actuality is not so much.

It started in September, the talk of Christmas. Then on November 1st, the Halloween costumes weren’t even put away yet and already Christmas music had taken over a station on the radio. Suddenly it appeared that Thanksgiving had been lumped together with Halloween in the décor department, and now that Halloween was over, clearly it was time to stock the shelves with trees and ribbons and wraps and ornament and cards! (Don’t forget many smallish animatronic toys which annoyingly play some sort of carol of yore but with different words, to further destroy the remains of Christmas past)

When I was younger there was this whole month in between Halloween and Christmas, apparently that whole month has been reduced to a few hours in the wee hours of All Saints Day. Fuck me. I remember clearly that at some point holidays went like this: Halloween, Deer Hunting (a general holiday in WI), Thanksgiving, then Christmas. Now I think it looks like this Hallowgiving, Hunting, Christmas. An entire holiday was overlooked in order to get that Christmas shit on the shelves and into consumers homes even sooner!

2 weeks ago, nearly a week before Thanksgiving, Nick called me in a near panic at 6:15 in the am (I was still awake too, so it’s not like this was a real emergency) to tell me that in the 10 hours we had spent together, somehow downtown Wausau was converted from a quaint hellhole into a quaint hellhole that Christmas vomited all over. It was decided that from now on, side roads were the only way to avoid this treachery. Turkey had not yet been consumed, but there was a goddamned Christmas tree in the square and tinsel and lights on the street lights.

Now it is the official Christmas season and you know what? I’m already all Christmassed out. They played the Grinch earlier this week. IT’S NOT EVEN DECEMBER IN CASE NO ONE GOT THE MEMO, OR OWNS A CALENDAR, SHIT YOUR CELL PHONE AND CRACK BERRIES HAVE CALENDARS HOW CAN NO ONE REALIZE IT IS NOT DECEMBER YET??????????????????

What is the world coming to? What is wrong with people? On top of it, even though it’s the spirit of giving, it seems to have been reduced to the season of Road Rage, Cart Rage, pushing, shoving, being rude and thinking that for some reason one’s own need to get their hands on the latest tickle me bullshit is more important than anyone else’s right to shop. I am actually scared to drive near the shopping here. Mostly cos I am pretty sure someone is going to take out my car on their way to the Best Buy to pick up the Beverly Hillbillies on DVD!

I am already sick of Christmas, I don’t want to put up my tree, or decorate my house, cards and gifts seem like a lot of work. I would just assume skip the whole thing cos you know what? Come December 26th already talk will turn to “starting next year’s Christmas shopping early!” I am generally not a “fuck Christmas” kind of person. I usually take a day off of work to put up the tree and decorate it and enjoy it. This year it sort of nauseates me. I even offered my tree to Wendi cos she is having a Christmas at her house and my tree works well in an apartment, what with it being all skinny and prelit.

I keep thinking I need to go out to the garage and find the Rubbermaid with the cards in it, so I can start filling them out. I decided I would put up my small tinsel tree cos if I put no decorations up and my parents stop by I will be chastised and made to feel a fool. Mostly I hope if they show up that they will stock me with some fire wood, and not make me feel crappy about my messy apartment or lack of Christmas spirit. The tinsel tree though is so weak it can not hold lights, thus it’s not even like a bright cheerful Christmas extravaganza.

I’ve half heartedly started my Christmas shopping but the gifts are so generic this year they hardly feel personal. I am usually a damn fine gift giver, paying attention all year to the tiniest mentions so that come Christmas I can be all “Surprise! Someone listened to you! I am the bestest ever!” but this year I just don’t care. I even tried to get out of gift giving with A2 cos I have no idea what to get her (at all, seriously, how much alcoholism paraphernalia and serial killer shit can one person really need?), at least K is the kind of person I can buy something for that I want, cos she probably wants it too. The rest of the gifts are so scattered and without theme or anything that I don’t know why I’m bothering. I am still looking forward to the wrapping, but that’s my favorite part of any gift giving I do.

I am not really looking forward to receiving any gifts! I have too much shit already! I provided my mother with a short, specific list of shit I want for Christmas, what I’ll get is 1-4 things off that list and a bunch of shit she thinks I need. The woman has no concept of me living in an apartment, already having a garage and storage unit full of shit, and having no more room left for any additional shit. I am shit out of room.

So overall this year, I’d like to skip Christmas. Granted this means I am pushed ever closer to the big 29 year old birthday which I am looking forward to about as much as a colonoscopy. But at least I wouldn’t have to put up with bell-ringers, going broke, and wondering why as it inches closer to the actual holiday all the TV programming stops being about Christmas and you can’t find a Christmas show or movie on to save your soul. Bah Humbug!

Pets in Boxes, Cremains & Your Family Pet

Recently my favoritest dog in the whole wide world, Sparky, had to be put to sleep. It crushed my mom, and I still feel bad about it. But she was old, like really old, like 17 years old! She had a good exceptionally long life. Where my parents live there is a preponderance of coyotes, wolves, bears and other critters who would smell dead dog in the ground and think "free meal!" and dig it up. We did not want such a fate to befall our beloved Sparky, so for the first time in our lives we had a pet cremated.

Now as long as I have been alive, where ever we lived was a veritable pet cemetary. The back yard at the old house has the remains of at least 3 dogs, 6 cats and a duck. Should the new owner begin excavating around the trees in back, he's prolly gonna freak out. Even our old cabin up north, the cabin now owned by my dad's friend Bob, has the remains of a dog in the yard. So this whole "get 'em cremated" thing was a new concept to us.

A few weekends ago I went up to my parent's house. It was my aunt's birthday, and I, never to miss out on a free meal, went up to have good food at Mamma's the Italian restaurant we all love so much. As I am sitting on my chair in the house watching what ended up a really wonderfulyl bad Sci-Fi Saturday Night movie entitled Sands of Oblivion, my mom hands me a box.

Mind you, my mother shops a lot on the TV. She is a big fan of both QVC and HSN, so when I am handed a non-descript cardboard box I assume it's the latest crap she's bought. But this box was different, this box was heavy, like really heavy. I look inside, and there is a black metal tin box with flowers on it. Then she says it:

"That's Sparky."

WTF? Who does that to someone? Here's the box containing your dead dog! Enjoy! Oh wait, I know, my mother does that!

I will reiterate, that I am shocked as shit about how much ashes-de-pooch weigh. In life she weighed in around 55 lbs, in death she weighs in at 3 lbs, per the UPS box label. I know it's not the tin, unless they put a piece of lead inside of it, it's just how much cremated dog weighs.

Update: Since this was originally written (yeah I know and not published until now) we had to put down an additional dog, the infamous Casey Jean, our notoriuous golden lab. Whether you remember when the wild dog bit her in the ass, or when she got stung on the eye lid by a bee, or when she impaled herself on a stick, all should know in the end Cancer is what got her. Which was surprising considering the accident prone nature of this dog. Casey is also now a Dog in a Box.

I've also gotten a report from Amanda on Cat in a Box, which strangely comes in the same tin, just a smaller version. Apparently these tins are used a lot for tea and pet cremains. Go figure. I wish I could find a decent photo of it, maybe Amanda will be willing to provide one so you can all know what to expect.

I've also heard about Horse in a Box and apparently that weighs a metric ton and is so big you could not display it on a mantel. BUT you do not receive your horse in a tea tin, instead you get them back in a wooden crate, I mean hand-made wooden cremains box, which shockingly looks like a shipping crate. I only have this knowledge courtesy of a conversation overheard at theMN Futurity Horse Show. People like to converse about how to dispose of a horse, mostly I think cos it's supposed to be illegal to bury a horse nearly every where but Kentucky, but somehow horse remains disappear in the middle of the night. I have it on good authority that Greenway Commander never made it to a rendering factory...

Wow!

Wow! I am the crappiest blogger ever. It's been forever since I formally blogged. So I logged in to move this sucker to the new Blogger, and I swear I will get around to actually blogging for real one of these days. Until then, enjoy this photo: