Catholicism Wow!

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending a wedding with my friend Neil. It was a Catholic wedding which for the uninitiated can be quite a trip. As a recovering Catholic (I’m all Atheist, but at some point I had to do the Eucharist and my grandmother and great aunt lit enough candles at Holy Hill to torture altar boys with candle wax for decades), I was not so freaked out by all of it. Here are some highlights:

#1 We sit down, to which Neil proclaims “Jesus fucking Christ.” I am pretty sure his middle name was not fucking, nor was it the initial ‘H’ like so many others have chosen. Regardless, Neil is going to hell. If he were a real Catholic though he would know that we are all going to hell and only through the redeeming love of the Catholic church (boy on man love, love created by donating lots of money) could he be redeemed and guaranteed a spot in heaven.

#2 There are no Bibles in the Catholic church, with exemption to the one which lives up on the pulpit with the priest. As a child I was convinced the priest hid a knife in that Bible and that it was not an actual Bible. Instead of Bibles Catholics get Hymnals and these other books who have a formal name, but it’s fancy so instead I will call them the Fire and Brimstone Chronicles (F&BC). In the F&BC there are all the readings that you will hear in church for the next 3-4 months. Which is handy, cos you can steal it and skip out on church. In a minor scanning of the book I found a story about dragons, a story about a winemaker and another story about a winemaker. Seems the Catholics like their wine. We already knew this.

#3 Stand up, Sit Down, Fight, Fight, Fight. Yes in Church as a Catholic in order to make sure you are not asleep you are required to, for no apparent reason, stand up and sit down. Sometimes you have to chant back at the priest some crap about loving god or Amen. Occasionally you have to kneel, at least you aren’t asked to take the body of Christ into your mouth while on your knees anymore, cos that’s just dirty. Overall with the standing and sitting and chanting it’s like you are Jesus’ and Mary’s Cheer-squad, only without the cute skirts and pompoms.

#4 Communion. I was not allowed to take the body and blood of Christ. Why? Because the F&BC said so. In the back was a warning about how if I was aware of grave sin, and had not confessed as such I could not take the communion. Now if I were to confess all the grave sin I know about God would get bored, God himself might off himself just to make me stop. Some poor priest would keel over in the little box (not that Catholic Churches have these any more, now you are supposed to confess your sins to god and let him pass down judgement or some shit, sounds like an excuse to make time for more altar boy bangin’), if he heard just what I’ve been up to in the last 3 months. So, no body of Christ for me, no Jesus wafer of eww. No crap red wine that was only appealing as a child (cos it was an easy way to get drunk, if we could only find where they stored the jugs o’ Christ blood. I wonder if there is a wine company that makes a wine called Christ’s Blood, if not, all you sommeliers out there take heed, make this wine and I will buy all of it!). Nothing. I was denied my Jesus snack.

#5 Shake hands with your neighbor to show them your Christian Love. ‘nuff said on that.

The priest rambled a lot, I was more interested in reading the F&BC. I considered stealing the F&BC and now have decided that leaving it behind was a bad idea. I want the dragon story damnit!

On my way home from Milwaukee I had a car thought. This thought went something like, OMG Holy Communion is church sanctioned cannibalism! The Catholics eat people, not just any people, but their lord and savior! Holy Shit! The wafers are made of Christ! The wafers are made of Christ! I had a very Hestonian moment. No Soilent Green here just Jebus. I am not a cannibal, so now I am kinda glad the church was too busy banging altar boys to hear my sins so I could eat Christ. Yay Church!