Concept4Banner1024 The Plural of Apocalypse: December 2005

 Thursday, December 29, 2005

I'm It!

I've been tagged by Lysie, which I've got to admit, I don't mind! Here it goes...

Four Jobs You've Had in Your Life:
1. Horse Shit Shoveler
2. Gas Station Employee
3. Office Manager
4. Latent Fingerprint Examiner

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Shaun of the Dead
2. Rocky Horror Picture Show
3. Blade: Trinity
4. Serenity!!!

Four Places You've Lived:
1. Delafield, WI
2. Waukesha, WI
3. Wausau, WI
4. Racine, WI (I count it as a second home of sorts)

Four TV Show You Love to Watch:
1. Lost
2. Scrubs
3. My Name is Earl
4. Supernatural

Four Websites You Visit Daily:
1. Whedonesque
2. Specialty Purebred Cat Rescue
3. Hotmail
4. Firefly Fans dot Net

Four of Your Favorite Foods:
1. Campbell's Green Bean Casserole (yeah the one with the soup and the French Onions)
2. Beef Burgundy with Potato Dumplings
3. Swiss Cheese Fondue
4. Nachos/Taco Dip

Four Albums You Can't Live Without (at least for the moment):
1. Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway
2. Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes
3. Depeche Mode's Ultra
4. Robbie William's Swing When You're Winning

Four Places You'd Rather Be:
1. Greater Metro Milwaukee Area
2. Egypt
3. Prague
4. Munich

Now for the first time I'm gonna tag this out:
Four People Who Are Now Obligated to Do This to Their Blog:
1. Khrysten -Mount Up!!!
2. Croaker
3. Amanda
4. Riss

What's Your Sin?

I love memes, and I will admit it! These two were just too good! (The Dante test was found on CallMeSerenity's LJ). Apparently I'm all about the Lust...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

What's Your Sin? Your sin has been measured. You have committed many sins, but Lust is the mortal sin that has done you in. Just below, discover your full sinful breakdown and learn what it is about you that condemns you to hell.

Lust:Very High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

 Thursday, December 22, 2005

Last Minute Gift Ideas...

As per usual this is uncredited. I tried to find a credit for it, but I suck. I found it on google images so that makes it fair game according to me. Plus kittens + presents always = happy faces!

So I know there are a lot of you out there who have yet to buy your gifts. To you I say SHAME! But I also kinda understand. Christmas snuck up mighty fast this year, and I'm am sure you are sooooo busy that you couldn't be bothered with shopping.

Here are my top 5 suggestions of items to get for people in your family or your friends. These are all things I either own or lust for so I can tell you they are good.

#1: Serenity on DVD. Yes it's the Firefly movie, and yes it's damn good.
Who this is perfect for: Trekkies or Trekkers who love westerns too, sci-fi fantatic fathers, Battlestar Galactica fans (and if you head to best buy you get a coupon for $10 off BSG w/ Serenity), your little sister or niece who still hangs with the boys, anyone who thought the last 3 Star Wars movies sucked the ass.
Available at: Best Buy, Amazon, any place that sells new release DVDs.

#2 A Few Good Men Lip Balm Set. 3 different yummy tasting lip balms brought to you by the people at Philosophy.
Who this is perfect for: Shitty Teenage girl who's always wearing too much make-up, little sisters who are trying to grow up too fast, and mom's who love to bake but bitch that it collects on their ass.
Available at: Amazon, Marshall Fields, Younkers, Boston Store QVC, Nordstroms, basically anyplace that sells really nice cosmetics (or carries the Philosophy line).

#3 Dance Dance Revolution and Game Pad for whatever game platform you want (I prefer Xbox). This is highly addictive and great exercise.
Who this is perfect for: Fat cousin who spends all his/her time making love to their video games, mom or aunt (who have kids with gaming system) who are always talking about cardio workouts, little sisters and teenaged girls. Hell this is perfect for anyone who wants to get off their ass and move. Plus it's a lot of fun.
Available at: Game Stop, Funco, Best Buy, Toys R Us, Amazon, Game Exchange, anywhere video games and supplies are sold, just make sure you get a gift reciept in case you screwed up which platform they have.

#4 An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List by Laurie Notaro. Laurie's hilarious, seriously hilarious, I have read almost all of her books and I have never been disappointed!
Perfect for: Any woman with a sense of humor! Who will really appreciate it: quirky sisters, single female friends, cousins who lament that their life sucks. Trust me this book rules!!
Available at: Barnes and Nobel, Amazon, Borders, any self-respecting book retailer.

#5 Kill it and Grill it by Shermaine and Ted Nugent. Yes I said Ted Nugent, yes I mean that Ted Nugent. This is an awesome book for any hunter in your family. The recipes are easy to make, taste good (my dad has it), and have great stories accompanying them. Leave it to Uncle Ted to do this right!
Perfect for: Hunters, Survivalists, pwoplw who think the Apocalypse is on it's way, or people who might eat road-kill.
Available at: Gander Mountain, Cabelas, Barnes and Nobel, Amazon, Borders, blah blah blah.

Some generic recommendations (I can't make recommendations for every kind of person, frankly I don't have any kids to shop for, so I am limited to my sphere of refrence. Sorry, but you should have thought about this sooner!):

For a girl under age 8: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT buy them Bratz shit. Do not sponsor their future whore-dom today. Why not try: Polly Pocket, My Little Pony, or the old standby Barbie? These are all great toy lines that offer lots of fun and will mostly not breed future whores of America.

For a Mom: It made Oprah's Favorite Things list for over 3 years. It's Philosophy's Hope in a Jar, while you are there, also pick her up some Philosophy Amazing Grace body wash and body souffle. Trust me momma will love you for this.

I'd love to offer you more ideas, but that's all I have. Why? COS I ALREADY SHOPPED UNTIL I WAS BLUE IN THE FACE!!! Otherwise I'll be happy to make suggestions in the comments section if you come up with someone I haven't listed up here.
'til later, have fun finding a parking space while I watch TV suckers!!

 Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Mostly Scrooge Free Zone

Strangely, while this cat looks exactly like my orange cat Mister, it is not. This is the actual image off of my Christmas cards for next year. Sorry to ruin the surprise. Of course, used without permission, and I have no clue who to credit for this adorableness.

Christmas. Everyone's bitchin' about it. I heard that's what all the cool kids are doing. I'm not cool, well not really, so I can go ahead and say mostly nice things about Christmas. First the bad:
Top 5 Things I hate about Christmas:
1. Shopping Traffic (in store): I just want to go to the grocery store to get my pathetic single woman staples of Lean Cuisines and cat food, but no, every asshole has to run out and buy every baking supply, turkey, ham and candy cane in sight. Don't get me started on a quick trip to the Best Buy for my copy of Serenity.
2. Christmas Shopping Parking: Never in all my life have I had to walk like a block to get to said grocery store. Seriously. Why did everyone have to go out this minute????
3. Christmas Road Traffic (aka Seasonal Road Rage): Every asshole with an SUV has to hit the road, and has to drive like a complete ass. You drive a fucking humvee, a little ice isn't going to jack up your ride. I mean isn't that why you have it?
4. Screaming children: I hate them year round, but mostly I hate them when they are screaming about those fucking Bratz dolls.
5. Right and Left Wing Fuckers: You know the people I'm talking about. The people whoa re freaking out about calling it a Holiday Tree and those who want the baby fucking Jesus every 50 ft. with a clear reminder it is his birthday. #1 It's a Christmas Tree, The Jews have Menorahs they don't care about our Christmas Trees, they aren't offended. #2 The baby Jesus most certainly wasn't born in December. He was born either in spring or early fall. The Christians decided to convert a buncha heathens by coinciding the birth of the baby with the celebration of the winter solstice, proof that even in ancient times, the poor kid's birth was all about marketing.
Things I love about Christmas:
1. Cookies: All sorts of cookies that people don't make all year long. It's as if Christmas were open season on baking. I love it. I only hope that when my mom dies I can find all of her Christmas cookie recipes cos I love hers the best.
2. Yard decorations: While I am at serious odds with the people who have gigantic air filled SNOWGLOBES on their yards when they live in a place with SNOW, I still love a good yard display. As youngin's we used to love to expand our minds (I admit to nothing!, okay, everything) and drive around admiring all the lights. My dad's sister lives on Candy Cane Lane where they always decorate and offer tours for canned food items, it was always awesome (although my aunt never decorated, bitch).
3. Wrapping presents: Yes I am like Martha Fucking Stewart, I love to wrap presents. I love to make them pretty with ribbons and bows and coordinating papers. I like to add ornamental decorations, I love wrapping gifts. Its the thing I look forward to the most. I even offer to wrap other people's gifts. Hell, I wrap my mom's gifts (even the ones to me).
4. Christmas Music: I love the song 'Santa Baby' I know this is sick and wrong. I actually like Mariah Carey's version of 'All I Want for Christmas is You.' I love Nat King Cole and his fucking chestnuts on the fire. I even enjoy a little Redneck 12 Days of Christmas courtesy of Jeff Foxworthy. And who can't love Handel's 'Messiah'???
5. The Nutcracker: I love the ballet, and one of these years I am dragging my friends to see it. Nothing like the Sugar Plum Fairies to make a bit of holiday magic.
6. Family: I don't have a lot of family. Most of them have kicked the bucket. But my fondest memories with my grandma and great aunt are from Christmas. They always made it amazing. We had traditions and we still try to maintain them now that they are gone. This is probably the only time of year I still wished I lived at home so I could still make cookies with my mom and decorate their tree. My dad and I every year go Christmas shopping for my mom together and out to dinner. Now my mom and aunt switch dates for dinner (eve VS day), but it's still awesome. I think this is something to do with being German, cos we really celebrate Christmas in a HUGE way.
7. Charity: I try to give when I can throughout the year. Most people suck and are selfish and do not. This is the one time of year though that even those fuckers dig into their pockets and dump some change in the Salvation Army buckets. This makes me happy, but wish they did more year-round.
8. Snow: Don't get me wrong, I hate travelling in the snow, but I like looking at it from afar, in a warm house preferrably with a cat on my lap and cocoa in one hand and a crossword puzzle in the other (yes I am like 85 years old, I know this). Snow is only made prettier with Christmas lights.
9. Christmas Trees: Not Holiday Trees or Christmachahnakwanzaka Trees, fucking Christmas Trees. All covered with ornaments and lights, they are so pretty. I even collect blown glass ornaments and the more 50's -ish they are the better. I like the feel of old world or retro Christmas trees, there is something retarded about themed trees or trees only done in one color or covered in fruit or some shit. Give me a good old fashioned tree covered in shitty ornaments made by kids and I'll be happy.
10. Presents: I am not to proud to say that I don't LOVE getting presents. It's fun to see what people think you would like. I've gotten my fair share of duds, but overall most people get it right. It's sort of a test to see who really knows what you'd like. I know that's evil, but it is. I love giving them as much as I love getting them. I like the crack-rush of finding the perfect thing (which now has been scientifically proven).
So yeah, that is my mostly Scrooge-free post.

In other news:
Darwin-3 Jesus-0 : Intelligent went down in federal court in PA today. First Scopes, then Edwards, now Dover. When will they learn that no matter what you call it, it's still GOD, and it's not science! Keep it in your churches people, or I might have to show up and start preaching the good word of evolution (or the flying spaghetti monster, in full pirate regalia, and no one wants to see that people!)
My cats are at my parents and my apartment seems cold and empty without them. It's very lonely. I don't know how people live without pets. I'd throw myself off a bridge.
Finally Amanda, my wonderful site designer has won a Web Raisins Award for the design of this blog. I put her little trophy under credits, go admire it now. Then go tell her to make money off of this, cos I think she can, and Web Divas can't have all the business!

 Thursday, December 15, 2005

Tina Fey? I Wish!

Guinea Santa photo from Reuters on Yahoo. Look at me attempt to credit an image. BTW: This photos is from Moscow's Club of Friends of Guinea Pigs, who held a big convention thing, and had a costume contest. Who would have thought tiny guinea pigs could be dressed?

The boss is away, so today I will play... with the news!! (aren't you just thrilled??)

Flint-Knapper is Not a Dirty Word!

2005, What a Year to Be Screwed Up

Real Patriots Don't Need Civil Liberties or Privacy Rights

It's Not Kidnapping, or Illigal When the US Gov't Does it

I'd Sue Mom Too

Plague Smuggler?

Someone Needs to Lay off the Pot

Firefighter Resuscitates Dog (It's too nice to make fun of)

He Said, He's Not Taking the Garbage Out Damnit

No Habla Robbery

Is It Wrong That I Want to Go on This?

That's the Holiday Spirit!

Quick, Get Me into This Rehab!!!!!

 Wednesday, December 14, 2005

New Look!

Welcome to the newly redesigned Plural of Apocalypse. There are still some minor tweaks (and this site is best viewed with Firefox) but this is pretty much my new look. A big thanks goes out to Amanda for her hard work and for putting up with my nitpicky crapity crap. I keep telling her she could make some money doing this but she just won't listen.

Other than getting prettier than Kaylee before a big shindig, nothing much is new.

I'm done Christmas shopping. Well except for the tweaking I need to do for Amanda and Khrysten, cos I can never be truely done for them. And I still owe Amanda a birthday present (sorry babe, times were tough, I was too busy wasting my money on ass). On Friday my Pappa is coming down to shop for my Mom with me, and I have to take him to the Gander Mountain (who recently held my credit card hostage). Why? Because my mother demanded that I take him there and not leave until he has found something for himself. Apparently if we don't he is getting nothing except for what I got for him, which would be sorta sad. I am fighting the urge to shop for my cats cos I know that only puts me one step closer to crazy cat lady.

I keep planning to rant about the holidays, but I'm burnt out on them, and at the point of just not caring anymore (wait, that's me usually). I do plan on doing a last minute Christmas gift list thingy, but that'll mostly be so you people don't give grandma a Chia Pet from the Walgreens again. Possibly a rant about ridiculous Christmas crap too.

Today it snowed like half a foot. My co-worker has already declared she is taking the day off tomorrow cos the roads will suck. If it keeps snowing she has a point, but I think it stopped which will make her preemptive strike look a bit ridiculous, ridiculous, yet still somehow familiar.

My dead mouse has been replaced with a fancy wireless one. I primarily bought it cos it was on sale and blue, which is enough to get me to buy anything.

In the News:

Duh, with a Capital D

Arrested Development + Weeds = Hilarious, Showtime Take Heed!

Duh, with a Little D

Israel in Alaska and More Crazy Iranian Ideas

We're Not the Boss of Canada

Body Shots Do Not a City Build

My Hook-ups Named Grannie, No Seriously

Dead Like Our Careers

Big Bird and Dead Bodies, Sesame Street Sure Has Changed

Finally, a Holiday inspired movie worth seeing: Surviving Christmas. Yes I said it, the one with Ben Affleck (my love), James Gandolfini, and Christina Applegate. I know it was blindsided with bad Gigli publicity, but Ben's better now (no more latina harpy, hello baby and Garner, cos if he isn't with me he should be with Jennifer Garner), and this movie deserved a better fate. Trust me it's hilarious. I was actually laughing out loud like a maniacal freak alone in my apartment. This is constantly on HBO's rotation right now, so catch it, cos you so won't regret it, and it might even put you in a garishly vulgur holiday mood.

BTW: Hop over to the Plural of Apocalypse Deux, it's actually been updated, I know shock me!

Also for the best viewing it is recommended that you go out and down load the Nuptial font (which is widely available from free font sites). Alternately you can google 'Firefly Font' and you should be able to figure it out from there.

 Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I'm No Venus, That's For Damn Sure



"You have a great enthusiasm and passion for
all that life has to offer. This is coupled
with a great amount of strength. You know
exactly what you want and are not afraid to go
after it. You love a good challenge and you
have a great deal of stubborness, which helps
you achieve your goals. Your enduring
determination is a great match for your
inventive mind. Your only drawback may be your
difficulty in letting others know how you

. : : Which Astrological Planet are You? : : . [10 Gorgeous Pics!]
brought to you by Quizilla

 Sunday, December 11, 2005

R.I.P Mouse

I appologize to all the blogs and message boards and emails I have as of late neglected. As a state employee I have excessive amounts of leave time, which means for the rest of the year I have 3 day work weeks. Which leaves me at home. Generally I would love for nothing more than sitting in front of this box reading and commenting away on things that have nothing to do with actual life. But right now I am handicapped.

There was a time when I could have somewhat muddled through my computer experience without a mouse. It is possible, although not favorable.

My mouse is on it's last legs. This has happened before, but it always made a miraculous recovery. See it does this thing, the mouse will move the little screen arrow up or sideways, but down, well that's another story.

I am waging WWIII on the downward stroke with my mouse. BTW: I have taken it apart, there is nothing physically wrong with it, it just doesn't want to do it. My mouse pad is now upside down to create more traction. It's a five minute ordeal just to get to the bottom of a page.

So tomorrow I will be going to the Office Max or Depot or whatever the fuck it is up here and buy a new mouse. I have a gift card thing for there otherwise I wouldn't go there, I'd go somewhere with much better prices. I appologize if one of my friends went out and bought me one for Christmas, cos unless it's showing up in like 24 hours you might want to return it cos I can't stand this anymore.

RIP mouse, your day has come.

 Friday, December 09, 2005


No, this is not another post where I will whore myself to Amazon in the hopes of someday getting $10 gift card to spend on something I don't need. I do have one of those Listmania things on there under the 'So You'd Like To' and mine is called "So you'd like to be ridiculed by people your own age for liking Buffy' yeah, I'm that adorable. No, this is about lists, and my terribly obsessive need to create them. I don't know when it started. I am not an organized person. I would live in an apartment who's decorating scheme could be described as 'Chaos Theory' if I could guarantee no one would ever come over and give me the 'you are a disgusting slob' eye. Granted I know where 90% of my stuff is, the other 10% probably doesn't matter until that one day I rip apart the entire apartment looking for something retarded like that faux-hair ponytail I bought at the dollar store 3 years ago for a custom My Little Pony that I want to finish, but can't without the hair from that ponytail (granted I will not find said ponytail and eventually give up cos I think I forgot to pack it). But still.

So this need to write lists baffles me. I blame my mother. See she's a little 'off.' She used to take excecssive amounts of clozanepam and lorazepam which are like relaxers. One of the side effects is you forget everything. So my mother had little notebooks all over the house with random things written on them (things only she would understand) so she wouldn't forget them. It started out with just crap she liked on the QVC and evolved into things to get at the grocery store or that she needs to call my dad and tell him he's an idiot. You know, normal things.

When she moved up north I apparently picked up this listing habit so the house wouldn't be lonely for lists. Mostly they were grocery lists, or lists of crap my mom needed my dad to bring her next time he came up north. It was harmless. Then I moved to Wausau. This is when it got strange.

I started writing lists of things to pack everyday (I was unemployed at the time), and lists of things I didn't have, but was certain I needed (like lamps and eating utensils). I started frantically filling spiral notebooks with random lists. I wrote down a list of every My Little Pony in a rubbermaid container, or a list of all my DVDs and VHS tapes for insurance purposes in case my apartment burned to the ground (and the notebook was somehow spared). Then Khrysten and I would write lists of our crazy ideas, or things like our favorite cannibalism movies of all time. I actually have a list of Blog ideas for when I run out of ideas (instead of actually typing these up I have a tendancy to just not blog at all). Then I started calling some of the lists 'catalogues' so I wouldn't feel like a nut job for having a list of every Buffy and Angel card I own or every Charming Tails collectible mouse I have. I told myself that these lists were so I wouldn't end up with doubles, but really they were just a way for me to continue my list insanity! At work I have a list of my current cases and their status, and a spreadsheet of cases and a notebook of completed cases and cases I put into AFIS. I also write lsits of things I decide I need or want or would like to have. Seriously. It's bad.

Now everyweek I write a list of everything I need to get done, grocery lists, and now it's that time of year when I write the list of everything I need to get people for Christmas. It's horrific. And the thing is, half the time I could give a shit what's on the list. I don't even accomplish most of it. It's the writing of the list that I'm into. It's like how I can't wuit smoking cos I'm addicted to the ritual of it, packing them, opening them, brushing off the tobacco schnibbles, taking one out, lighting it, holding it, ashing it, even when I am too sick to smoke I will light one and hold it just to feel it.

Here is an example of a list I might make at the beginning of the week of what I need to do, and the transalation of what it actually means.

1. Clean Cat Boxes - Wait until the overwhelming odor of Ammonia nearly knocks you out when returning home from work, or until when you look in the little door and you see mountians of cat refuse.

2. Take out recylcables - The hallway outside your apartment is not where the bag of soda and soup cans should live. The paper bag of empty cardboard Pepsi boxes is embarassing (look into Pepsi I.V. drip).

3. Sweep Kitchen and Bathroom - The floor is being taken over by dust bunnies and sand.

4. Mop Kitchen and Bathroom - If it's swept might as well go the distance. Also the kitchen shouldn't have spaghetti sauce splotches on it, nor should the entry way be encrusted with road salt that if your cats eat, will in fact kill them.

5. Pick up clothes - There is no path to the bed. If there is a fire you will be attacked by Levi's and tee-shirts. Might want to sniff-test these items to see if they need to be washed anytime soon.

6. Put Away Clothes - Utilize the walk-in closet and the 3 dressers you own, in addition to the rubbermaids of clothes. Consider giving clothes to 3rd world country where you are sure they would love a seer-sucker haltertop.

7. Clean off coffee table - Actually go through your mail. Please. Empty ashtrays and take toenail clipper off of table, same with cat nail clipper. There is no reason to have 4 bottles of lotion out here.

8. Throw out magazines - No one actually collects TV Guide or Entertainment Weekly. You do not need to keep them to refrence in the future for pop culture trivia. (Please note, I still can't bring myself to throw any of these out. I know it's retarded, but I just can't)

9. Fill Dishwasher - You don't eat this much, thus these dishes are old.

10. Vaccuum - It's that time of the month! (when we vaccuum)

11. Change sheets - You might be getting sexed! Alternately - Company is coming and cos the 'spare' bedroom is a mess of stuff you still haven't unpacked, 2 dressers, a saddle, a desk with computer and various other things you will have to give your bed up to your friends and sleep on the couch.

12. Put away seasonal decorations - There is no reason to have a halloween cat on your patio door in December, it's just wrong.

**Please note I am not a dirty person. I am psycotic about bleaching my kitchen counters and cleaning my bathroom. I am a cluttery lazy person.

Before anyone comes to visit it's like I turn into this complete nut-job who has to make sure things are nice looking. I don't want anyone to really know what a mess I am. A while back my dad declared that my apartment was not the apartment of a happy person, that it looked like I was depressed. So then I was all driven to make it look like a persona ctually lived here by hanging photos and stuff, but still it's a mess. It's just a happier mess that needs a list to keep it in check.

So beware of the lists. They are addictive, like crack for the underorganized.
Also I reorganized my Blogs That I Read Daily list (another damn list!). It's alphabetical, and Eric and Croaker have made it on there as well as Painting Chef and the 3 Bitches. Go check them out, they're good people.

 Thursday, December 08, 2005

A Cult of Me!!

Doesn't it just figure??

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

50th Post News!!

For my 50th post I thought I'd return to an old standby, the news! Lots of ridiculous things have happened recently so here they are, complete with headlines from me! Enjoy!

Ann Coulter, Still Stupider Than Me

When Anything Above Zero is a Heatwave!

Anarchist, Anthropologist, They all Start with A

"Unattended Children Will Be Given an Espresso and a Puppy."

Angels with Dirty Hands

Umm, Nice Guys Don't Yell Bomb!

Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy Extended to Torture

Bush #1 & Clinton Again Get More Done Than Current President

Sex Report: Tortured Artist Guy Gets More Cos He's Like a Schizophrenic!

Hit Man Hired Over Cheese

Eskimos Sue US Over Habitat Destruction

They Aren't Called Compassionate Creationists: Professor Beaten for Developing Intelligent Design/Creationism Mythology Class

Crips Founder Seeks Clemency to Continue Anti-Gang Work (and not die and stuff too) *BTW: When Winnie Mandela, Snoop Dog, Jaimie Foxx, Desmond TuTu, Jesse Jackson, Mike Farrell, Russell Crowe, Harry Belafonte and Danny Glover all support letting someone live because they can do more good alive than dead, you might want to think about it Gubernator.

A big thanks to anyone who still reads this Blog! I can't believe I had 50 things to say. Kinda creepy when you think about it!

 Tuesday, December 06, 2005

These Precious Things

Have you ever accidentally rediscovered a favorite artist? Today I sort of did. Don't get me wrong, I still love Tori Amos, I never really stopped, I just stopped listening.

One of my proudest moments involves vomiting on Michael Stipe's (of REM) shoes at the Riverside in Milwaukee. I was 15 and it was the Under the Pink tour (I believe) and Michael Stipe and her were buds at the time, and this very large man and him sat directly in front of us (which prompted one of the people I was with to wonder if we should ask him "What's the frequency Kenneth?"). I was sick as hell, but nothing was going to keep me from this damn concert. Thanks to it, I not only puked on Stipe, but I also met this girl Jaimie who was friends with my friend Sean after she heard someone ask if I was okay in the bathroom. I have an uncommon name, so she wasn't taking that huge of a chance by seeing if I was Sean's friend she had heard so much about. We ended up really good friends for the rest of high school (until her psychotic boyfriend moved her to Madison, and I became a raver and we totally grew apart, if anyone knows where to find Jaimie Fairbanks of Oconomowoc let me know!). Eventually Jaimie, Sean, our friend Dave and I prayed a lot for Trent Reznor and Tori Amos to have brilliant music babies (when this did not happen we figured we proved there was no god, cos if there was he would have made this happen). So this concert was one of those important moments of my young radical life.

I discovered Tori on a Mtv show called 'Alternative Nation' (yeah look at me show my age), where I saw the video for 'Crucify' and I was just amazed at this firey little red head. She was ballsy, and straddled her piano like she was fucking it, and she was a god damn revelation to a 14 year old. Her 'Little Earthquakes' album was one of the albums that shaped my young mind and got me through a heap of heartache and horrific moments. 'Under the Pink' was amazing, cos I was definately not a Cornflake Girl. It was just the shit. Plus, duet with Trent (who was my god to her goddess all through high school). After Boys for Pele she kinda lost me. I loved Tori, but I was confused. It just got a little too wierd after that.

I argue Tori opened the door for artists like Fiona Apple and Regina Spektor and all these piano wielding girls who followed afterwards. Actually she made it okay to be a girl and be angry and make beautiful music. Which just wasn't heard of. And still isn't so much. Women have apparently lost their anger and now would rather just sing about 'S8er Boi's' and how he broke her heart or whatever. Tori was angry, she was mad about rape, and that other women sucked and she wondered what was up with god, and her music had so much more meaning. Now I have pretty much tuned out since Boys for Pele, so if there's anything new and worth it let me know, dear readers.

Back to my point. The other day I downloaded 'China' off Kazaa (yes I am a bad bad person, let me explain), cos a few years ago my 'Little Earthquakes' CD up and walked away. So I bought 'Songs of a Librarian' (greatest hits sort of) to regain what I missed from LE and then that walked away too. So technically everything I downloaded I have already paid for at least once.

Again, Back to the point: I forgot how much China moved me. So I started downloading all the songs off Little Earthquakes and it was like a ton of bricks. A fucking revelation at 26, that this was a phenomenal life changing album. I'm no music geek (trust me 90% of my CDs are from High School), but this album is just fucking amazing.

So I've fallen back in love with Little Earthquakes. Cos if I thought it was somehow relevant to my little high school self (I was always so self important), now I see it even more so. It still moves me, it still makes me cry, it still makes me want to kick ass and take names. It makes me never want to settle for less than I deserve. Cos while Tori does write 'he broke my heart' songs, they say things like 'Maybe she's pieces of me you've never seen.' So now I give you a taste of Tori, lyrics completely belong to Tori, I only wish I could write stuff this good. If you don't own this album buy it immediately. I guarantee it'll move you.

Silent All These Years:
so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts,
what's so amazing about really deep thoughts,
boy you best pray that i bleed real soon, how's that thought for you?

every finger in the room is pointing at me, i wanna spit in their faces,
then i get afraid what that could bring.
i got a bowling ball in my stomach, i got a desert in my mouth,
figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Me & a Gun:
it was me and a gun and a man on my back
and i sang "holy holy"as he buttoned down his pants
you can laugh, its kind of funny,
things you think, times like these,
like i haven't seen Barbados
so i must get out of this

look i'm standing naked before you
don't you want more than my sex
i can scream as loud as your last one
but i can't claim innocence

Tear in Your Hand (the song I have on repeat):
all the world just stopped now,
so you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
let me take a deep breath babe,
if you need me, me and neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king.
neil says hi by the way
i don't believe you're leaving cause me and charles manson like the same ice cream
i think it's that girl
and i think there're pieces of me you've never seen
maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well
all the world is, all i am
the black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand
all the world is danglin'...danglin'... danglin' for me darlin'
you don't know the power that you have
with that tear in your hand
that tear in your hand
maybe i ain't used to maybes
smashing in a cold room cutting my hands up every time i touch you
maybe maybe it's time
to wave goodbye now
time to wave goodbye now
caught a ride with the moon
i know i know you well, well better than i used to
haze all clouded up my mind, in the daze of the why
it could've never been so you say and i say, you know you're full of wish
and your "baby baby baby babies"
i tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

 Saturday, December 03, 2005

Tiny Man Loved Fire...

It’s Midnight Friday, now, Saturday. I’m bored and lonely and running out of ideas. Ever have moments when you actually start to believe you have absolutely nothing to say?

Yesterday I was awoken at 4am by the dying battery in my smoke alarm. I absolutely panicked. It was going slow, so I was trying to figure out if that meant the battery was dying or if it was some sort of warning that there was a fire, but it was really small right now. Maybe it needed to build up, as if it only beeped a little when there was a little smoke instead of beeping like mad for a raging inferno. So, at 4am I was sitting on my couch after having changed the battery (and trying to regain my hearing) debating whether or not my smoking might set off a new battery. Yes, these are the thoughts I have. I am special.

See I freaked cos I am sooo afraid of fire. This is strange for a smoker who loves to play with fire. I’m just terrified by the idea of burning to death, my cats burning to death and my entire life becoming a pile of ashes. I have no upstairs or next-door neighbor in my building so there would be no one to pull the fire alarm if the ever so inefficient electrical heating system somehow failed, or if the frat attack that used to live upstairs had fucked up some electrical cord on an important appliance. So I sat on my couch and stared at the stupid thing and waited for it to beep. It didn’t.

I was so hopped up on adrenalin that when I tried to fall back asleep I couldn’t. So, I laid there wondering if I just broke the smoke detector and now it wouldn’t work at all. I thought about pushing the tester button, but figured that considering the low quality of soundproofing in this building, that pushing it might wake up my neighbors. When I say low quality soundproofing what I actually mean is no soundproofing (the people who live over the apartment next to mine sound like they might as well live above me). So, I didn’t push the button (when I put the new battery in it did blare directly in my ear so I figured I’d be safe for the night).

I laid there and all that went through my head was: fuck, tomorrow’s gonna suck at work. See, I’m still in training. My boss has off on Fridays so I can’t actually work on case work cos he isn’t there to supervise. I mean I can work on it, but I can’t get anything actually finished cos he has to look over everything. So we sit around on Fridays and try to look busy by reading our manuals or catching up on the latent print boards and crap. This is hard enough to do when I have had a full night’s sleep. It’s nearly impossible when I haven’t slept. I debated calling in sick. But I can’t be that deceptive. Instead at some point I fell asleep.

What’s the lesson in all of this? Earlier on Thursday I looked at the damn smoke detector and thought, “Wow, I should change the battery in that. I’ll check it tomorrow.” Mind you this is something I’ve been telling myself since like day-light savings time kicked in. The lesson is this: change the fucking battery so it doesn’t wake you up in the middle of the night and fuck up your whole day. The only other thing I learned was that I can be confident that in the event that thing goes off for real, I will wake up. Yay for me.

 Friday, December 02, 2005

Friday Favorites!!

It’s Friday. Yup. Friday. Again. Nothing even remotely interesting happened this week. So I’m pulling an Oprah! Look! It’s BlackEyedGurl’s Favorite Things!!!

Today I am introducing a new sporadic series that will appear on here. It’s things I really like and think you should too. This is just in time for the holidays, and all of these items would make for fabulous gift giving!

This week’s Favorites? TV on DVD! All my favorite shows (lots of them were cancelled), some which you’ve probably heard of or seen, and some which might be totally new to you. If you want more information, click on the Amazon boxes to find out more. Yes I am trying to pull in a little revenue on here, mostly cos I might have to give blood to afford Christmas and every little bit helps! Also remember, I would not steer you wrong. These shows are worth every penny (except the ones from HBO which are too damn expensive, and were temporarily removed from the list!).

Firefly: My absolute hands down favoritist show EVER! Yes it’s a ‘space western’ but it’s so much more than that!!! Come on, how many cancelled shows get made into movies? Yeah it’s that good!! Like Deadwood? Like Star Trek? Try Firefly!! 500 years in the future Capt. Malcolm Reynolds and his crew pick up a few travelers, and their lives are never the same! Check out their legal, and not so legal adventures. For it being my favorite show this is the lamest write-up ever! Plus there’s a space whore (yes I said space whore!), check it out (also for a limited time on Amazon you can buy the TV DVD set with the movie DVD for under $50!! That’s a nice deal!):

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Chosen One Collection: Before Joss created Firefly, before Angel, before the mistake that was Alien Resurrection, there was Buffy. Like some moron I bought all 7 seasons in individual boxed sets. Then they go and release the Chosen One Collection, and I realize I could have saved a bunch had I had some semblance of patience. But I don’t, cos I had to have my Buffy. I’ll be the first to admit Sarah Michelle Gellar is not a terrific actress, but while the show is about her character, there are so many fantastic characters surrounding her that you find yourself not caring that she sucks (plus she gets beat on a lot). Vampires, Demons, and Witches, Oh My! A great purchase for your little sister who about to start High School, or for those in your life who swore ‘If I ever refer to high school as the best 4 years of my life, shoot me.’ The High School is Hell metaphor is one we can all get behind (also the show delves into post-HS woes, and trying to figure out how to be an adult, when you still feel like a kid). Good Times.

Angel: Angel started out as Buffy's one true love (whom of course she could never actually be with!), who just happened to be a vampire punished to walk the earth with a soul. But then they spun-off Angel, and took a few of the Sunnydale regulars with them, and the show got dark. This is the mucho darker version of Buffy. It's more depressing, it's more like being a grown up. Angel ends up creating his own group of supernatural fighters including: A demon who can read your soul when you sing karaoke, a physicist chick who got stuck in an alternate universe, a street wise black dude, a British watcher dude, A valley girl, and lots more! If you liked Buffy, but your boyfriend hated it, buy him Angel. He'll love it.

Other shows I love, and think you will too, but which I don't have time to write up descriptions for:

**ALSO Just for your Info: For the Buffy and Angel sets, if you go to Amazon you can get the seasons individually if you are finishing off a collection or aren't sure you want to spend almost $200 for a TV show. Click on either of the sets to get to the Single boxes!

Finally: KARMA's BITCH: Khrysten wins again. I don't even know how it's possible! I think she may in fact have this all rigged...
Karma's Literal Bitch: Sparky, my mom's Australian Blue Heeler, who slipped a disk in her spine this week. Or she ruptured it or something, all I know is when I left on Sunday she couldn't walk. Now she's hopped up on steroids and painkillers, and my mom says she's good as new. Not bad for a dog older than time!