Concept4Banner1024 The Plural of Apocalypse: Dear American (please keep all appendages inside the vehicle while in motion)

 Friday, January 11, 2008

Dear American (please keep all appendages inside the vehicle while in motion)

Friday afternoon rants. Cos I can. And this looks like I am doing actual work, and apparently the appearance of doing work is more important than actually doing work. I think I need to stop perusing magazines and the accidental consumption of Entertainment Tonight is apparently eating my insides. Not all of this is negative, the last few items are some small gems of joy I found yesterday, small things that give me hope that some day the intelligent may rule, but our chances still seem to be slipping...

#1 “Reality” show people are not celebrities. Omarosa, Kristin Cavallari, New York (Tiffany), anyone who’s ever been on Survivor, Sanjaya, any one of the new American Gladiators: None of these people are celebrities. None of them even deserve it. Who declared that having 15 minutes of fame meant you got to be in the news? What the fuck is wrong with the American public that just cos some rich bitch 17 year old threw a Black and White ball on Mtv 4 years ago she gets to be a celebrity. Audrey Hepburn just rolled over in her grave, did you hear that? There was a time when celebrity brought to mind beautiful people, in beautiful clothes, living amazing fabulous lives. Now celebrity has been reduced to a photo of Sanjaya standing outside of a theater in LA with a caption going something like: Even without his crazy hair we can tell it’s you Sanjaya! WHO CARES?

#2 I have come to realize that the writer’s strike is having an even bigger impact on the world than forcing me to think, watch DVDs, pick up a Ghost Hunters and Sims 2 habit, it’s contributing to world over population. Yes. It’s true. Cos real celebrities (although are any of them really real in the authentic sense?) are out of work, they are having sex, and getting knocked up. Even the kids are doing it. I mean, Jessica Alba, Nicole Kidman, Jaimie-Lynn Spears, who’s next? Miley Cyrus? Some other Has-Been’s offspring? Please, networks, moguls and producers, go back to the negotiating table, cos if Monique gets knocked up, I am blaming you. (Side note: Should Jennifer Garner-Affleck and Ben decide to go for Violet round 2, I will not be angry though, cos that is the cutest happiest baby ever)

#3 Britney Spears is bat-shit, get over it. Did we really need a People magazine cover to alert the populace to this? I mean I can’t imagine people around the country at convience stores and grocery store check-outs looking up and going “Oh God No! Not that precious little girl, what hath happened to dear Britney??” The only thing she hasn’t done yet is off her self, and if the universe works in the proper way it will happen on its own without our intervention. I mean it happened to Anna Nicole, so there is hope for those little boys yet! (no, this is not me being mean, sadly those kids have a better chance at life without her. If Larry Birkhead can raise a kid I believe K-fed can do it too. Wow, their names rhyme.) And oh yeah, bitch lost her virginity at like 15. You can take the trash out of Louisiana but you can’t take the trash out of the girl!

#4 Wait, you can’t take the trash out of the whole damn family. The whole Spears clan is fucked. Much like the Lohans, Simpsons, and every other celebrifamily. Does no one remember the Culkin cluster-fuck? Doesn’t the name Jackson conjure up memories of fucked up family? Is anyone shocked that a family that pushes their tiny children into careers that their parents are too ugly and untalented to be in themselves is approximately 3 seconds from self destruction and collapse of the family unit? I mean honestly. The parents end up celebrities in their own way, the more fucked up their kids act, the more famous the parents become for being shitty parents. And sometimes they get to write books about parenting (how to raise a super star (but they forget to mention super-fuck-up). It’s like a parent’s dream come true! Jon Benet got out easily, cos she was approximately 15 years from becoming Britney Spears. At least Lindsey’s got talent. By the way: Billy-Ray, I’ve got my eye on you. Miley’s fucked, if your achy-breaky heart couldn’t tell, you are creating a monster.

#5 Please Jessica Simpson go cheer on Tony Romo, maybe he’ll become hypnotized by your excessive breasts and fake lips. Or maybe he’ll mistake your shitty extensions for spun gold and want to suddenly be called Rumplestilskin. No matter what, I am relying on you to be there for him. Cos if you are, the Packers are so going to the Super Bowl, and once again a plague of sadness will follow in your wake. Jessica, you may be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

#6 Speaking of football: would someone take out Tom Smug-Ass-Motherfucker Brady out already? Honestly, he is fragile. He fucks a super model, so it’s not like he’s doing any heavy lifting, ever. He can’t be that hard to take out. Cheap shots are more than welcome. Could someone quick grab Warren Sapp up for the playoffs and tell him “we know you are retiring, but remember that horrible cheap shot you pulled on the Packers, yeah, we need you to do that to Tom Brady, and if you get a chance Randy Moss. Thanks Sapp, there’s a bonus in your future, I can just smell it, and it doesn’t smell like Chunky Soup.” Alternately, would someone get him a Chunky Soup contract? How’s he avoided that???

#7 Regardless of what Rachael Ray says, you can’t make one of her meals in 30 minutes unless you are fueled by a meth macchiato and have the assistance of Satan himself. I guess if I had a team of fuckers (but possibly ninjas) warming up my pans and doing all the prep and keeping an eye on everything while I stood in front of a counter for 20 minutes espousing how easy it really is to make meatballs, I too could make a meal in 30 minutes. Granted the food generally turns out tasty, but 30 minutes quickly turns into 120 minutes without the benefit of hangin’ with Kennedy or Matt Pinfield.

#8 No matter what anyone says; it doesn’t get any hotter than James Marsters making out with John Barrowman, mostly cos unlike porn, they actually look totally into it. Torchwood is the best thing to happen to the Dr. Who franchise since Christopher Eccleston. Oh yeah, they also shoot at each other, which ups the hotness. I wish American TV was as forward thinking. But I also wish that Helo, Anders, and Apollo would compete in oil wrestling versus Capt Mal, Jayne and Simon. Not all my dreams can so easily come true. (BTW girls, its okay to admit you like watching guys make out. If guys can revel in lesbians, you can admit that there is just something hot about 2 guys going after each other as if they were made of roast beef and they hadn’t seen food in 2 weeks.) Torchwood's Coming Back, now with more Marsters!!!

#9 I give a shit about what Penn Jillett has to say. You should too. Penn Jillette is on my list of large men I would let violate me. (This list also involves Seth Rogen who isn’t that large and Kevin Smith, just cos I’d be hoping that some of his genius would be left behind. I am sick and need help. I know this) But he's also hella smart. Also he is an avid fan of if you are gonna be crazy then go whole heartedly into the abyss. He agrees with the pope on everything, except that whole god thing, and that makes my day:

Finally #10: If you are familiar with the infamous Patton oswald rant on the KFC famous bowls you can't help but find this to be raucously hysterical: Patton Taste Tests the Bowl on the howling rim of Famous-ity Also if you haven't been watching, I suggest tuning into A Daily Show with John Stewart, without writrs John has readily admitted that his show is slowly devolving into his own personal version of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Anyone who calls Larry King a "talking Gnome" I am gonna keep watching.

Votes Of Sympathy:0

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