Concept4Banner1024 The Plural of Apocalypse: Listmania

 Friday, December 09, 2005


No, this is not another post where I will whore myself to Amazon in the hopes of someday getting $10 gift card to spend on something I don't need. I do have one of those Listmania things on there under the 'So You'd Like To' and mine is called "So you'd like to be ridiculed by people your own age for liking Buffy' yeah, I'm that adorable. No, this is about lists, and my terribly obsessive need to create them. I don't know when it started. I am not an organized person. I would live in an apartment who's decorating scheme could be described as 'Chaos Theory' if I could guarantee no one would ever come over and give me the 'you are a disgusting slob' eye. Granted I know where 90% of my stuff is, the other 10% probably doesn't matter until that one day I rip apart the entire apartment looking for something retarded like that faux-hair ponytail I bought at the dollar store 3 years ago for a custom My Little Pony that I want to finish, but can't without the hair from that ponytail (granted I will not find said ponytail and eventually give up cos I think I forgot to pack it). But still.

So this need to write lists baffles me. I blame my mother. See she's a little 'off.' She used to take excecssive amounts of clozanepam and lorazepam which are like relaxers. One of the side effects is you forget everything. So my mother had little notebooks all over the house with random things written on them (things only she would understand) so she wouldn't forget them. It started out with just crap she liked on the QVC and evolved into things to get at the grocery store or that she needs to call my dad and tell him he's an idiot. You know, normal things.

When she moved up north I apparently picked up this listing habit so the house wouldn't be lonely for lists. Mostly they were grocery lists, or lists of crap my mom needed my dad to bring her next time he came up north. It was harmless. Then I moved to Wausau. This is when it got strange.

I started writing lists of things to pack everyday (I was unemployed at the time), and lists of things I didn't have, but was certain I needed (like lamps and eating utensils). I started frantically filling spiral notebooks with random lists. I wrote down a list of every My Little Pony in a rubbermaid container, or a list of all my DVDs and VHS tapes for insurance purposes in case my apartment burned to the ground (and the notebook was somehow spared). Then Khrysten and I would write lists of our crazy ideas, or things like our favorite cannibalism movies of all time. I actually have a list of Blog ideas for when I run out of ideas (instead of actually typing these up I have a tendancy to just not blog at all). Then I started calling some of the lists 'catalogues' so I wouldn't feel like a nut job for having a list of every Buffy and Angel card I own or every Charming Tails collectible mouse I have. I told myself that these lists were so I wouldn't end up with doubles, but really they were just a way for me to continue my list insanity! At work I have a list of my current cases and their status, and a spreadsheet of cases and a notebook of completed cases and cases I put into AFIS. I also write lsits of things I decide I need or want or would like to have. Seriously. It's bad.

Now everyweek I write a list of everything I need to get done, grocery lists, and now it's that time of year when I write the list of everything I need to get people for Christmas. It's horrific. And the thing is, half the time I could give a shit what's on the list. I don't even accomplish most of it. It's the writing of the list that I'm into. It's like how I can't wuit smoking cos I'm addicted to the ritual of it, packing them, opening them, brushing off the tobacco schnibbles, taking one out, lighting it, holding it, ashing it, even when I am too sick to smoke I will light one and hold it just to feel it.

Here is an example of a list I might make at the beginning of the week of what I need to do, and the transalation of what it actually means.

1. Clean Cat Boxes - Wait until the overwhelming odor of Ammonia nearly knocks you out when returning home from work, or until when you look in the little door and you see mountians of cat refuse.

2. Take out recylcables - The hallway outside your apartment is not where the bag of soda and soup cans should live. The paper bag of empty cardboard Pepsi boxes is embarassing (look into Pepsi I.V. drip).

3. Sweep Kitchen and Bathroom - The floor is being taken over by dust bunnies and sand.

4. Mop Kitchen and Bathroom - If it's swept might as well go the distance. Also the kitchen shouldn't have spaghetti sauce splotches on it, nor should the entry way be encrusted with road salt that if your cats eat, will in fact kill them.

5. Pick up clothes - There is no path to the bed. If there is a fire you will be attacked by Levi's and tee-shirts. Might want to sniff-test these items to see if they need to be washed anytime soon.

6. Put Away Clothes - Utilize the walk-in closet and the 3 dressers you own, in addition to the rubbermaids of clothes. Consider giving clothes to 3rd world country where you are sure they would love a seer-sucker haltertop.

7. Clean off coffee table - Actually go through your mail. Please. Empty ashtrays and take toenail clipper off of table, same with cat nail clipper. There is no reason to have 4 bottles of lotion out here.

8. Throw out magazines - No one actually collects TV Guide or Entertainment Weekly. You do not need to keep them to refrence in the future for pop culture trivia. (Please note, I still can't bring myself to throw any of these out. I know it's retarded, but I just can't)

9. Fill Dishwasher - You don't eat this much, thus these dishes are old.

10. Vaccuum - It's that time of the month! (when we vaccuum)

11. Change sheets - You might be getting sexed! Alternately - Company is coming and cos the 'spare' bedroom is a mess of stuff you still haven't unpacked, 2 dressers, a saddle, a desk with computer and various other things you will have to give your bed up to your friends and sleep on the couch.

12. Put away seasonal decorations - There is no reason to have a halloween cat on your patio door in December, it's just wrong.

**Please note I am not a dirty person. I am psycotic about bleaching my kitchen counters and cleaning my bathroom. I am a cluttery lazy person.

Before anyone comes to visit it's like I turn into this complete nut-job who has to make sure things are nice looking. I don't want anyone to really know what a mess I am. A while back my dad declared that my apartment was not the apartment of a happy person, that it looked like I was depressed. So then I was all driven to make it look like a persona ctually lived here by hanging photos and stuff, but still it's a mess. It's just a happier mess that needs a list to keep it in check.

So beware of the lists. They are addictive, like crack for the underorganized.
Also I reorganized my Blogs That I Read Daily list (another damn list!). It's alphabetical, and Eric and Croaker have made it on there as well as Painting Chef and the 3 Bitches. Go check them out, they're good people.

Votes Of Sympathy:3

Comments Blogger Croaker said...

Black Eyed Gurl you are hilarious. A little neurotic with the lists, but if you love BTVS and get Dead Like Me, you are my type of gurl ;).

11:52 AM  
Comments Blogger mrcoolbadguy said...

I used to carry these cheap little shitty notebooks from the dollar store around to keep organized but lately I've been just writing notes on scrap paper, napkins, and whatever I can find, not nearly as affective but I guess it works.

1:44 PM  
Comments Blogger Riss said...

Seriously, I am a list fanatic. I have ranbdom journals laying around for the purpose of making lists in. Not that I ever do anything on the list.

5:39 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home