Concept4Banner1024 The Plural of Apocalypse: Mostly Scrooge Free Zone

 Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Mostly Scrooge Free Zone

Strangely, while this cat looks exactly like my orange cat Mister, it is not. This is the actual image off of my Christmas cards for next year. Sorry to ruin the surprise. Of course, used without permission, and I have no clue who to credit for this adorableness.

Christmas. Everyone's bitchin' about it. I heard that's what all the cool kids are doing. I'm not cool, well not really, so I can go ahead and say mostly nice things about Christmas. First the bad:
Top 5 Things I hate about Christmas:
1. Shopping Traffic (in store): I just want to go to the grocery store to get my pathetic single woman staples of Lean Cuisines and cat food, but no, every asshole has to run out and buy every baking supply, turkey, ham and candy cane in sight. Don't get me started on a quick trip to the Best Buy for my copy of Serenity.
2. Christmas Shopping Parking: Never in all my life have I had to walk like a block to get to said grocery store. Seriously. Why did everyone have to go out this minute????
3. Christmas Road Traffic (aka Seasonal Road Rage): Every asshole with an SUV has to hit the road, and has to drive like a complete ass. You drive a fucking humvee, a little ice isn't going to jack up your ride. I mean isn't that why you have it?
4. Screaming children: I hate them year round, but mostly I hate them when they are screaming about those fucking Bratz dolls.
5. Right and Left Wing Fuckers: You know the people I'm talking about. The people whoa re freaking out about calling it a Holiday Tree and those who want the baby fucking Jesus every 50 ft. with a clear reminder it is his birthday. #1 It's a Christmas Tree, The Jews have Menorahs they don't care about our Christmas Trees, they aren't offended. #2 The baby Jesus most certainly wasn't born in December. He was born either in spring or early fall. The Christians decided to convert a buncha heathens by coinciding the birth of the baby with the celebration of the winter solstice, proof that even in ancient times, the poor kid's birth was all about marketing.
Things I love about Christmas:
1. Cookies: All sorts of cookies that people don't make all year long. It's as if Christmas were open season on baking. I love it. I only hope that when my mom dies I can find all of her Christmas cookie recipes cos I love hers the best.
2. Yard decorations: While I am at serious odds with the people who have gigantic air filled SNOWGLOBES on their yards when they live in a place with SNOW, I still love a good yard display. As youngin's we used to love to expand our minds (I admit to nothing!, okay, everything) and drive around admiring all the lights. My dad's sister lives on Candy Cane Lane where they always decorate and offer tours for canned food items, it was always awesome (although my aunt never decorated, bitch).
3. Wrapping presents: Yes I am like Martha Fucking Stewart, I love to wrap presents. I love to make them pretty with ribbons and bows and coordinating papers. I like to add ornamental decorations, I love wrapping gifts. Its the thing I look forward to the most. I even offer to wrap other people's gifts. Hell, I wrap my mom's gifts (even the ones to me).
4. Christmas Music: I love the song 'Santa Baby' I know this is sick and wrong. I actually like Mariah Carey's version of 'All I Want for Christmas is You.' I love Nat King Cole and his fucking chestnuts on the fire. I even enjoy a little Redneck 12 Days of Christmas courtesy of Jeff Foxworthy. And who can't love Handel's 'Messiah'???
5. The Nutcracker: I love the ballet, and one of these years I am dragging my friends to see it. Nothing like the Sugar Plum Fairies to make a bit of holiday magic.
6. Family: I don't have a lot of family. Most of them have kicked the bucket. But my fondest memories with my grandma and great aunt are from Christmas. They always made it amazing. We had traditions and we still try to maintain them now that they are gone. This is probably the only time of year I still wished I lived at home so I could still make cookies with my mom and decorate their tree. My dad and I every year go Christmas shopping for my mom together and out to dinner. Now my mom and aunt switch dates for dinner (eve VS day), but it's still awesome. I think this is something to do with being German, cos we really celebrate Christmas in a HUGE way.
7. Charity: I try to give when I can throughout the year. Most people suck and are selfish and do not. This is the one time of year though that even those fuckers dig into their pockets and dump some change in the Salvation Army buckets. This makes me happy, but wish they did more year-round.
8. Snow: Don't get me wrong, I hate travelling in the snow, but I like looking at it from afar, in a warm house preferrably with a cat on my lap and cocoa in one hand and a crossword puzzle in the other (yes I am like 85 years old, I know this). Snow is only made prettier with Christmas lights.
9. Christmas Trees: Not Holiday Trees or Christmachahnakwanzaka Trees, fucking Christmas Trees. All covered with ornaments and lights, they are so pretty. I even collect blown glass ornaments and the more 50's -ish they are the better. I like the feel of old world or retro Christmas trees, there is something retarded about themed trees or trees only done in one color or covered in fruit or some shit. Give me a good old fashioned tree covered in shitty ornaments made by kids and I'll be happy.
10. Presents: I am not to proud to say that I don't LOVE getting presents. It's fun to see what people think you would like. I've gotten my fair share of duds, but overall most people get it right. It's sort of a test to see who really knows what you'd like. I know that's evil, but it is. I love giving them as much as I love getting them. I like the crack-rush of finding the perfect thing (which now has been scientifically proven).
So yeah, that is my mostly Scrooge-free post.

In other news:
Darwin-3 Jesus-0 : Intelligent went down in federal court in PA today. First Scopes, then Edwards, now Dover. When will they learn that no matter what you call it, it's still GOD, and it's not science! Keep it in your churches people, or I might have to show up and start preaching the good word of evolution (or the flying spaghetti monster, in full pirate regalia, and no one wants to see that people!)
My cats are at my parents and my apartment seems cold and empty without them. It's very lonely. I don't know how people live without pets. I'd throw myself off a bridge.
Finally Amanda, my wonderful site designer has won a Web Raisins Award for the design of this blog. I put her little trophy under credits, go admire it now. Then go tell her to make money off of this, cos I think she can, and Web Divas can't have all the business!

Votes Of Sympathy:5

Comments Blogger Callen Damornen said...

Nice blog! Thanks for visiting mine.

I agree, when it comes to Christmas, there are some things good and some bad about it.

I never celebrated it as a kid, but was never offended that others left me out [former Jehovah's Witness.] I get a constant thrill out of making it wonderful for my children.

Sorry you are without your cats:-( I love cats, but am allergic to them. I miss having them around.

The Right Left

5:04 AM  
Comments Blogger lysie6211 said...

My dream is whenever I win the lottery or just come into insane amounts of money is being able to buy tons of gifts for people who don't have families or money to buy gifts. My family adopts a needy family each year and we get a list from them and put together stuff and it's so much fun. (But then again any kind of shopping is fun...)

10:29 AM  
Comments Blogger Eric said...

Q: When you wrap presents do you try to avoid leaving trace evidence?

Just curious. Happy Holy Holly Baby Jesus or Not end of the year week long party / endurance challenge!

10:47 AM  
Comments Blogger Black Eyed Gurl said...

Callen: Sorry you're allergic. get thee some Allegra and get thee a fuzzy!! I'm keeping an eye on your blog..


Lysie: We used to do that in my grade school! It was the msot disturbing the year I realized the family we were helping was my best friend (and I didn't even know they were that poor), that was a wake up call!

Eric: I own 2 cats, and I wrap on the floor, no matter what I am leaving trace cat hair behind. But it's cool cos then people think the cats did it...

Happy whatever you celebrate to all of you!!

2:37 PM  
Comments Blogger Riss said...

The Santa Baby thing is killing me.

2:39 PM  

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