Apocalypse Why?
"When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse." - Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "A New Man"
I have car thoughts. Car thoughts are these things that creep into your brain when you are driving, and because you are alone, you can think about them (whether or not you want to). Last weekend, on my way home from Milwaukee, as per usual my brain was going about a million miles a second. I was ruminating over the events of the last few weeks of my life (in a very, 'why does karma hate me' sort of way), and I had a sort of epiphany about the title of this blog, and why I am so attracted to the statement.
"Plural of Apocalypse" isn't just the title of this blog, it's the name of my eBay company (Plural of Apocalypse Cards and Collectibles or Plural of Apocalypse Creations depending on the items). It came abut originally because I needed something catchy and Buffy-like to get people to buy my excess trading cards. My screen name, Blackeyedgurl (and all derevations there of), is also from Buffy. When Willow finally snaps she turns into this evil rage and pain driven witch, her eyes go black her hair goes black, it's black all around. When she is trying to destroy the world Xander, her best friend tries to stop her and says "hey there black eyed gurl" and gives a moving speech about how if the world is ending, he wants to be with her through it. It's heart breaking stuff, but mostly I just love it when Alyson Hannigan gets to be mean.
Back to my point. The "Plural of Apocalypse" speech is one of the only moments I think Amanda and myself didn't want to put a fork in the eye of Riley Finn. The idea of there being multiple apocalypses, averted every day was entertaining. Now I see why I enjoyed it so much.
My life is nothing more than a series of tiny apocalypses (what is the actual plural damnit?). We joke that I am karma's bitch and that I may have sold my soul to satan for a cheeto when I was 5, cos if bad shit is going to happen, it'll probably happen to me. It has nothing to do with luck, cos most of these tragedies are not brought on by myself. They are forced upon me by outside forces, which some how makes it worse.
For instance, a few weeks ago the house I grew up in fell apart, literally. My parents are trying to sell it, and I hate them for this, so I hadn't been past the old homestead in quite some time. It's also down towards Milwaukee, so it's not like it's up the street from me. The week that this happened during was already a mess, and I was running late to get down to Milwaukee for a weekend of enjoying my friends. I left my house at 7pm, somehow I was to Delafield before 10pm. This is normally a minimum of a 3 hour drive. Whatever.
Cos I was feeling especially useless and messy I decided to stop by the house. See the last time I was really happy in my life was in that house, I somehow correlate happy to this house in my head. Mostly I was just looking for something stable, something that I could always count on, and that house was it.
I pulled into the driveway, and immediately backed out. By now I was crying cos I was just so miserable already, and this was harder than I thought (with the For Sale sign outside and no signs of life). Then I decided I would pick a flower from the gardens I had once so meticulously cared for and leave. Then I decided I would look in just to make sure that everyting was fine. This was my mistake.
When I looked in I could see water, I sould see that the ceiling of our kitchen/dinette was gone. There was mold and drywall and insulation everywhere. And of course I had no way to get in. I called my mother who tried to locate my father who was hunting out by the Mississippi river. She couldn't find him. See whenever bad shit happens, my father is mysteriously missing. Every damn time, I end up taking care of it. This was previously my mother's job, but now I am the more responsible party.
By now, I am bawling. Why? I was crying for my father. For thelast year my father had put everything into this house to make it beautiful to sell. New woodwork, new doors, new paint, new flooring, remodeled kitchen and bathroom, new everything. And now it was all destroyed. All his work was gone. I had helped him with most of it, and some of the work was older, we laid the wood floor in the living room when I was 11 or 12, I remember him showing me how to use the nail gun (cos yes, I can handle a nail gun, and get a manicure). That floor was ours. And now, it was water logged and warping.
I eventually got into the house and took care of everything. But it was just the fact that it happened, and this is the sort of shit that doesn't happen to anyone, that made it so ideally me.
Last week I got notification that I am being taken to collections personally for the financial responsibilities of my fathers old company cos I was the advertising contact. The company in question doesn't believe that I was not a share holder or officer, so they are going after me. The company doesn't even exist anymore, but they want their money, and if they can't get it that way, they will come after me.
Basically this is the sort of shit that happens to me all of the time. I use humor to deal with all of it cos if I didn't I'd probably turn into the BlackEyedGurl and try to kill people and destroy the world. Most of the time it's little stuff, but every now and then I get slammed repeatedly with the worst crap ever. It's always been like this, I can't remember my life without monthly tests of my strength of will.
But this is why I am a survivor, this is why I don't or can't ever give up. If I did I might as well step in front of a bus or drive my car off the cliff at a quarry (smooth jazz can drive one to do this as well ;)). So I will continue to deal with my apocalypses, cos if I don't, while the greater world may not be destroyed, mine would be. There would be nothing left but rubble, and Keith Richards and about 15 cockroaches.
And just remember even if karma isn't getting you back from something shitty you do, it's probably coming after me, and I really don't deserve it, so be kind.
BTW: HUGE thanks to Bonanza Jellybean for adding me to her Blog list. I feel honored. Cos it's the only place besides Amanda's Quarter Lifer and my secondary blog (Plural of Apocalypse Part Deux, which is run by people with equally apocalyptic lives) that I am listed. So thanks! Hopefully some of my readers (do I even have readers?) will head over to Bonanza's and check her out. Cos she rulez with a z.
I have car thoughts. Car thoughts are these things that creep into your brain when you are driving, and because you are alone, you can think about them (whether or not you want to). Last weekend, on my way home from Milwaukee, as per usual my brain was going about a million miles a second. I was ruminating over the events of the last few weeks of my life (in a very, 'why does karma hate me' sort of way), and I had a sort of epiphany about the title of this blog, and why I am so attracted to the statement.
"Plural of Apocalypse" isn't just the title of this blog, it's the name of my eBay company (Plural of Apocalypse Cards and Collectibles or Plural of Apocalypse Creations depending on the items). It came abut originally because I needed something catchy and Buffy-like to get people to buy my excess trading cards. My screen name, Blackeyedgurl (and all derevations there of), is also from Buffy. When Willow finally snaps she turns into this evil rage and pain driven witch, her eyes go black her hair goes black, it's black all around. When she is trying to destroy the world Xander, her best friend tries to stop her and says "hey there black eyed gurl" and gives a moving speech about how if the world is ending, he wants to be with her through it. It's heart breaking stuff, but mostly I just love it when Alyson Hannigan gets to be mean.
Back to my point. The "Plural of Apocalypse" speech is one of the only moments I think Amanda and myself didn't want to put a fork in the eye of Riley Finn. The idea of there being multiple apocalypses, averted every day was entertaining. Now I see why I enjoyed it so much.
My life is nothing more than a series of tiny apocalypses (what is the actual plural damnit?). We joke that I am karma's bitch and that I may have sold my soul to satan for a cheeto when I was 5, cos if bad shit is going to happen, it'll probably happen to me. It has nothing to do with luck, cos most of these tragedies are not brought on by myself. They are forced upon me by outside forces, which some how makes it worse.
For instance, a few weeks ago the house I grew up in fell apart, literally. My parents are trying to sell it, and I hate them for this, so I hadn't been past the old homestead in quite some time. It's also down towards Milwaukee, so it's not like it's up the street from me. The week that this happened during was already a mess, and I was running late to get down to Milwaukee for a weekend of enjoying my friends. I left my house at 7pm, somehow I was to Delafield before 10pm. This is normally a minimum of a 3 hour drive. Whatever.
Cos I was feeling especially useless and messy I decided to stop by the house. See the last time I was really happy in my life was in that house, I somehow correlate happy to this house in my head. Mostly I was just looking for something stable, something that I could always count on, and that house was it.
I pulled into the driveway, and immediately backed out. By now I was crying cos I was just so miserable already, and this was harder than I thought (with the For Sale sign outside and no signs of life). Then I decided I would pick a flower from the gardens I had once so meticulously cared for and leave. Then I decided I would look in just to make sure that everyting was fine. This was my mistake.
When I looked in I could see water, I sould see that the ceiling of our kitchen/dinette was gone. There was mold and drywall and insulation everywhere. And of course I had no way to get in. I called my mother who tried to locate my father who was hunting out by the Mississippi river. She couldn't find him. See whenever bad shit happens, my father is mysteriously missing. Every damn time, I end up taking care of it. This was previously my mother's job, but now I am the more responsible party.
By now, I am bawling. Why? I was crying for my father. For thelast year my father had put everything into this house to make it beautiful to sell. New woodwork, new doors, new paint, new flooring, remodeled kitchen and bathroom, new everything. And now it was all destroyed. All his work was gone. I had helped him with most of it, and some of the work was older, we laid the wood floor in the living room when I was 11 or 12, I remember him showing me how to use the nail gun (cos yes, I can handle a nail gun, and get a manicure). That floor was ours. And now, it was water logged and warping.
I eventually got into the house and took care of everything. But it was just the fact that it happened, and this is the sort of shit that doesn't happen to anyone, that made it so ideally me.
Last week I got notification that I am being taken to collections personally for the financial responsibilities of my fathers old company cos I was the advertising contact. The company in question doesn't believe that I was not a share holder or officer, so they are going after me. The company doesn't even exist anymore, but they want their money, and if they can't get it that way, they will come after me.
Basically this is the sort of shit that happens to me all of the time. I use humor to deal with all of it cos if I didn't I'd probably turn into the BlackEyedGurl and try to kill people and destroy the world. Most of the time it's little stuff, but every now and then I get slammed repeatedly with the worst crap ever. It's always been like this, I can't remember my life without monthly tests of my strength of will.
But this is why I am a survivor, this is why I don't or can't ever give up. If I did I might as well step in front of a bus or drive my car off the cliff at a quarry (smooth jazz can drive one to do this as well ;)). So I will continue to deal with my apocalypses, cos if I don't, while the greater world may not be destroyed, mine would be. There would be nothing left but rubble, and Keith Richards and about 15 cockroaches.
And just remember even if karma isn't getting you back from something shitty you do, it's probably coming after me, and I really don't deserve it, so be kind.
BTW: HUGE thanks to Bonanza Jellybean for adding me to her Blog list. I feel honored. Cos it's the only place besides Amanda's Quarter Lifer and my secondary blog (Plural of Apocalypse Part Deux, which is run by people with equally apocalyptic lives) that I am listed. So thanks! Hopefully some of my readers (do I even have readers?) will head over to Bonanza's and check her out. Cos she rulez with a z.
Posted by Black Eyed Gurl
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