Getting out...
I have resolved myself to getting out of here. Wausau, well 7 months in, and nothings really changed. Sorta made a friend in Stevens Point (heya Mike), but other than that still not really doing anything.
The only time I do anything is when I am back home. See? I still refer to the Metro-Milwaukee area as HOME, this place where I sleep is not. And when I am back home, I seem to get a little over the top. I blame the desperation to make every second count. This is the first weekend in over a month I've actually been here, and that's really only because my apartment looked like a successful tornado experiment, and I decided to play FEMA.
For the last month I have actually had fun, good old fashioned (well for me) fun. I've gone to the bar with my friends in our traditional Friday night meet-up. I've gone and seen Khrysten's dogs grow up, and her husband actually occasionally be around. I've debauched myself with my friends in the way only I can (without emotional attatchments of any sort, but still with an unknown wanderlust). When I am home it's like I can breathe. I can be myself without worrying that I'm going to offend someone or make them think I am strange and wierd, which hey not denying. But it's the culture of the places too.
Up here at 26 and single I'm like some freak. I'm surprised they haven't attempted to build a museaum and charge people to watch me eat my dinner, alone. And the BREEDING, OMG it's unbelieveable. I mean it's like the place birth control forgot!
So now, I have resolved to get out of here, one way or another. I'm thinkin' of going back to school to work on my masters or get my teaching degree. Anything so I don't have to be here. I want to live in Riverwest with the rest of the insane people my age. I want to stumble home from the bars at 3 am forgetting where exactly I live, and shit did I just hear gun fire? It's a strange day when you realize you'd prefer to risk your life living in the city rather than rotting away in the middle of nowhere, because in either place I'm dying. But in only one do I have a chance to truely live.
I don't think I'm compliant enough to be a state employee. I don't think I can do this any more. I'm starting to think that while brave, the stupidest thing I ever did was apply for this job, and tell them I would live in Wausau to get it. It was a huge mistake, but one I can remedy. I feel bad for letting them put this much money into me, only to have me possibly walk away. Then again, I pay my own salary with my taxes so I guess the only person I should feel bad about ripping off is myself.Other than this decision to finally put things right and take back my fucking life, nothing much is new. The bruises from last weekend are slowly turning back to flesh, which makes me only look forward to going home next weekend, if only to find out if I am hated or if things are cool. I refuse to be held responsible or blamed for hurting someone that I didn't know was that interested in me. I mean I thought he had his chance and he chose someone totally beneath him, and that too is not my problem. I don't understand why the men in my life constantly give up the chance to be with me to be with someone who isn't worthy of them. I don't mean this in a totally selfish or self serving way, I just mean why would a man rather be with someone who is less than him than be with an equal? I don't think I'm god's gift or anything, but I just don't understand why someone would want to date further down the food chain when they could have what's right next to them. Maybe with my old age I've gotten pickier, or maybe I have finally learned something after dating loser after loser. Maybe they need to learn that lesson too. In the mean time I'll have my fun.
I still think Ryan set it up to make him hate me. Ryan doesn't like me and doesn't get why someone would, but that's because he is ignorant and thinks he is far smarter than he really is. I'm not an elitist snob but I think before engaging in philisophical arguement or explaining the world of psychology or evolution you should at least have truely studied it in a challenging environment like school. But Ryan's a drama whore he wants to stir the pot and see what happens especially when it comes to me. I don't really understand why, but I think it's rooted in the fact that he knows the things I say to him are what his 'friends' want to say but can't.
This entry has gone on far longer than I had planned. Maybe more later...
The only time I do anything is when I am back home. See? I still refer to the Metro-Milwaukee area as HOME, this place where I sleep is not. And when I am back home, I seem to get a little over the top. I blame the desperation to make every second count. This is the first weekend in over a month I've actually been here, and that's really only because my apartment looked like a successful tornado experiment, and I decided to play FEMA.
For the last month I have actually had fun, good old fashioned (well for me) fun. I've gone to the bar with my friends in our traditional Friday night meet-up. I've gone and seen Khrysten's dogs grow up, and her husband actually occasionally be around. I've debauched myself with my friends in the way only I can (without emotional attatchments of any sort, but still with an unknown wanderlust). When I am home it's like I can breathe. I can be myself without worrying that I'm going to offend someone or make them think I am strange and wierd, which hey not denying. But it's the culture of the places too.
Up here at 26 and single I'm like some freak. I'm surprised they haven't attempted to build a museaum and charge people to watch me eat my dinner, alone. And the BREEDING, OMG it's unbelieveable. I mean it's like the place birth control forgot!
So now, I have resolved to get out of here, one way or another. I'm thinkin' of going back to school to work on my masters or get my teaching degree. Anything so I don't have to be here. I want to live in Riverwest with the rest of the insane people my age. I want to stumble home from the bars at 3 am forgetting where exactly I live, and shit did I just hear gun fire? It's a strange day when you realize you'd prefer to risk your life living in the city rather than rotting away in the middle of nowhere, because in either place I'm dying. But in only one do I have a chance to truely live.
I don't think I'm compliant enough to be a state employee. I don't think I can do this any more. I'm starting to think that while brave, the stupidest thing I ever did was apply for this job, and tell them I would live in Wausau to get it. It was a huge mistake, but one I can remedy. I feel bad for letting them put this much money into me, only to have me possibly walk away. Then again, I pay my own salary with my taxes so I guess the only person I should feel bad about ripping off is myself.Other than this decision to finally put things right and take back my fucking life, nothing much is new. The bruises from last weekend are slowly turning back to flesh, which makes me only look forward to going home next weekend, if only to find out if I am hated or if things are cool. I refuse to be held responsible or blamed for hurting someone that I didn't know was that interested in me. I mean I thought he had his chance and he chose someone totally beneath him, and that too is not my problem. I don't understand why the men in my life constantly give up the chance to be with me to be with someone who isn't worthy of them. I don't mean this in a totally selfish or self serving way, I just mean why would a man rather be with someone who is less than him than be with an equal? I don't think I'm god's gift or anything, but I just don't understand why someone would want to date further down the food chain when they could have what's right next to them. Maybe with my old age I've gotten pickier, or maybe I have finally learned something after dating loser after loser. Maybe they need to learn that lesson too. In the mean time I'll have my fun.
I still think Ryan set it up to make him hate me. Ryan doesn't like me and doesn't get why someone would, but that's because he is ignorant and thinks he is far smarter than he really is. I'm not an elitist snob but I think before engaging in philisophical arguement or explaining the world of psychology or evolution you should at least have truely studied it in a challenging environment like school. But Ryan's a drama whore he wants to stir the pot and see what happens especially when it comes to me. I don't really understand why, but I think it's rooted in the fact that he knows the things I say to him are what his 'friends' want to say but can't.
This entry has gone on far longer than I had planned. Maybe more later...
Posted by Black Eyed Gurl
at
10:07 PM
0
Votes of Sympathy
