Open Letter Day...

Today I am posting two open letters. Why? because people are driving me insane. Seriously insane. I am a general misanthrope so this really comes as no surprise, but still...

Dear Women-Folk of Wausau:

I know that we live in the middle of nowhere. I know that it's cold out and you don't really feel like looking your Wal-mart fashion forward best. PLEASE for Christ's sake put on a pair of jeans. Pajama Bottoms, I repeat PAJAMA BOTTOMS are not appropriate 'leave the house wear,' especially if they are the following:

#1 Looney Tunes Themed
#2 Disney Themed
#3 Retro 80's Toy Themed
#4 Brightly colored and/or patterned
#5 Feature any cartoonish creature (ie: Winnie the Pooh,
#6 Made of fleece
#7 Made of flannel
#8 Worn with Sorel, Ugg or other boots
#9 Worn with your gigantic winter Parka
#10 PAJAMA BOTTOMS

I only bring this up because everytime I leave the house I run into you. You know who you are. I see you at the Shopko in baby pink Pepe Lepew fleece pants, and at the Urgent Care (a mother daughter team) wearing Tweety Bird and Care Bears fleece pants. I saw you at the grocery store, at 6 o clock at night in Mickey Mouse flannel pants. I watched you fill up your gas tank in rainbow hearts, with your shit-brown Sorrel boots tucked in while wearing your bright orange Columbia jacket. I see you everywhere!!

People already believe that the northwoods is backward, so when the people of the 'big city' up here think that bed-wear is appropriate to wear outside of the house you are only setting a bad example for others! I completely blame you for the little girls running around with 'Juicy' or 'Naughty' or 'Princess' written on their ass.

The only time it is appropriate to wear said pajama pants are in the following situations:

#1 Had to run out of house with blood covered child who might die if not gotten to emergecy room quickly enough (this goes for any injured family member or pet)
#2 You are at the laundromat cos all your other pants are dirty
#3: You are under the age of 10

That's it ladies, no more excuses. Put on a fucking pair of jeans already!


Dear People with Dogs in Wausau:

Your fair city has a leash law, I recommend obeying it. I am sick of watching you assholes walk down the street with your unleashed dog, mostly cos I am convinced the little fucker is going to jump in front of my car making me feel like shit for killing your dog. If you are walking with the dog then tie it to a string or some shit. Leashes aren't that expensive, check the clearance section of any store and you will find them!

A special note to the asshole with the gigantic house who owns the Golden Retriever with the shock collar behind my apartment building. Remember the day you were blowing leaves out of the gutters on your 3rd floor with the leaf blower (I shit you not, he was doing this)? The day I threatened that the next time your dog came up to my patio door and barked at my cats that I would drive the dog to the humane society? This offer still stands. Put the thing on a leash, or get a fence or just pay attention to it! And stop cleaning your 3rd floor gutters with the leaf blower cos I am not calling 911 when you fall dumbass!

In sum: Put your dog on a fucking leash, if you don't and I find it wandering the neighborhood or jumping in front of cars I will personally deposit them at the local humane society and turn you in for having a roaming unleashed dog. If you want to let your dog roam move to a farm!

That's all for now, more bitching ahead I'm sure...

Go check out Deux, there's a new Dammit Dick that involves President Bush and Strippers!!!