Concept4Banner1024 The Plural of Apocalypse: When a Stranger Calls...

 Tuesday, February 07, 2006

When a Stranger Calls...

HANG THE FUCK UP!!!! Don't go see this movie, please, it sucks!! Save Yourself!!

This movie is based on Suburban Legend. The legend goes something like this: A girl is babysitting for an unfamiliar family when she starts getting phone calls. They seem like prank phone calls, with heavy breathing. Eventually they move onto harassment. Girl calls police who offer to trace the call back to the harasser. Dude calls again. As soon as she hangs up, the cops call 'The call is coming from inside the house!' This is where the stories vary: In some she goes to gather the children and they are already dead, in others she gets the children out of the house and fights off the bad man just before the cops show up to arrest him. It turns out he's a serial killer wanted in many states for doing exactly what he tried to do here. Yeah, see you've heard this story before!

It's not a bad story per se. It's just an overdone story. I mean, hell this movie was a remake. There was also a series of young adult fiction books written by R.L Stine (of Fear Street Series and Goosebumps fame) called appropriately The Babysitter I-IV (cos they just couldn't kill that Jenny!!). Everytime a story like this is redone it loses some of it's sparkle and intrigue. It gets a little lamer everytime.

Issues with When a Stranger Calls:

#1: Names: The actress in the main role is named Camilla Belle, which sounds more like a porn star name than the name of a young actress in Hollywood (BTW: She is the only actress I think might earn an Oscar AFTER Sarah Michelle Gellar, and that bitch can't act her way out of a paper bag). Her character? Jill Johnson. HELLO, could we get any duller? I know this is supposed to be generic babysitter girl, but damn that's a plain name.

#2: It's rated PG-13, this means no swearing, no blood, no actual death on screen, just implied death. The director went for the old school Hitchockian suspense: not showing the evil man, house is always dark, phone rings when it's dead silent. But in this film they all come off as amatuerish and cheesy.

#3 The people she is babysitting to don't even actually show her the children before they leave. She never sees the kids until the movie is over half over.

#4 The same shit, different movie. Oh no! The garage has been unlocked since she got there! They have a black cat!! Oh No! She locked the door in a place the children can't reach which means they will die!! Oh No! The evil man is chasing her, logic would say, GO UPSTAIRS WHERE THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!! Oh! What's that noise? Oh! Getme my fire poker so I can check on the noise in the kitchen that just happens to be the cat! Come On! This shit is so old I think ancient hominids drew it on cave walls.

#5 Only satisfying moment: Cat finally gets to eat a bird from the aviary. The whole movie this poor cat is watching these birds in the aviary, little yellow canary-ish birds. All the whole movie you know he wants to eat them. Finally Jester gets his chance, and oh it's so good.

#6 Things to suspend belief over: This family is really wealthy, 2 doctors with a house covered in creepy art with state of the art lighting, an aviary, ect... Why do the children share a fucking bedroom? Why do they still own a corded phone? Why do they only own one car?

So my advise is as follows: In a year this movie will be on USA Network, nearly every weekend, probably being shown back to back with I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legend. Watch it then, cos there is nothing for them to cut out of it. It's not worth the $9 to see it in a theater and god knows I wouldn't buy it if it were the only DVD ever offered for sale again.

You want to see a good young adult thriller-ish kid of movie, a movie that'll mind-fuck you a little? Check out Soul Survivors: The Killer Cut. This movie is creepy as hell, and has Eliza Dushku and her breasts (which is what people really like about her right?). Plus Wes Bentley from American Beauty and the Bennifer's little bro Casey. Also Bonus: it is easy to find in Wal-Mart $5.50 DVD bins everywhere.

New Renter!!!
Generally I try to pick renters I like. Last week's pick didn't get nearly the hits that my renters usually do. I have no reason why. I blame all of you readers for letting me down. (or possibly my shitty landlording skillz).
This week's renter deserves better than last week's Mobbit! It's KizzyKim and 'Today in the Life.' She's just a babe of 20, but is a theater major (you know what that means, DRAMA!), and is funny and smart; even for one of those theater kids (wait I was one of those kids who hung with the theater kids in High School.. I wonder if she likes Morrissey...) Anywhoo, go check her out. She was a part of Hanson-mania, and you can all get behind that right??? Also one of her 'Ways to Win My Heart' was 'Be not a douchebag.' I agree KizzyKim, I agree...
Why didn't they ever get a Milk Moustache commercial for A Clockwork Orange??
I bet it'd have been real horrorshow, what with the Moloko and all...
So please go click on her blog over there in the renters box. If you don't I might sit you down in a chair ala 'A Clockwork Orange' and make you watch 'When a Stranger Calls...'

Votes Of Sympathy:4

Comments Blogger Carol said...

Your review of "When a Stranger Calls" made me LMAO!!! I actually saw the old version many years ago. I can't imagine spending $10.50 to see this in a theatre.

1:46 PM  
Comments Blogger lysie6211 said...

Yeah the original was great...this one I sneered when I first saw the commercial.

10:08 PM  
Comments Blogger Croaker said...

So the movie...was it good? Lol, what did you really expect from a PG13 horror. Frankly I have not seen a good movie in a while. I did watch Serenity over the weekend. I'm not sure I want to shell out hte money for the series though its only 14 shows.

6:54 PM  
Comments Blogger MrGnash said...

'The plural of apocalypse?' - you'd think someone that made a reference to that line by way of their blog title would have actually seen Buffy, and therefore also know that 'that bitch' can indeed 'act her way out of a paper bag.' Opionated, hateful and ignorant; what a winning combination.

3:45 AM  

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