Themed News!

I did my best to find Halloween related news, which sadly unless you are looking for articles on adorable baby costumes, isn't really a lot. This is as good as it gets:

Ghosts Beat God in the UK For Belief

That Voodoo That They Do So Well, Now in a Neighborhood Near You

Is Tear Gas a Trick or a Treat?

Trick or Dead

You Should See How He Treats the Tigers!

Rebels Seek Theme Song, I Mean Anthem

Harry Potter Moves to Amsterdam for Tuition Reimbursement for Hogwarts

One More Warning to Add to the Electrocution Label - courtesy of Gene

And Finally:
Not News, Just the Best Anti-Intelligent Design Argument EVER!

Happy Whore-o-Ween!! Halloweekend Update...

Halloween, or as it has been so dubbed this year, Whore-o-Ween, my favorite holiday. Actually for me it is sort of the only holiday. Screw Christmas, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day, give me a day (or weekend) to be someone else, and oh boy am I happy. So without further ado, here is my wrap-up...

First up: The costumes I had possibly set up for myself:

#1 Piratess: I like the idea of female pirates, a whole crew of them, pillaging and plundering the countryside. There were boots and my Stevie Nicks skirt and a $300 purple corset. The problem? No billowy black pirate like girly shirt. All attempts at finding one on short order failed, even with the sudden popularity of the peasant top I failed. That's okay, I bought a pattern to make my own, next year I am so there...

#2 Paris Hilton: What else would you do with a tiny tweed skirt and blazer? Last year this was my Stepford Wife costume, but I thought with the addition of a tiny chihuaha stuffed animal and a tacky blonde wig (her hair is fake anyways) that I could pull this off. Alas, my Taco Bell chihuaha I think was a victim of the move, and blonde wigs were in short order.

#3 Donatella Versace: Again the blonde wig was a problem, but a little bronzer, some over-done eye make-up and a cocktail dress and Ta-Da! Instant Donatella (just add martinis)! This was inspired my Khrysten and my's love of Maya Rudolph's Donatella Versace show on Saturday Night Live.

#4 Cheerleader: My dad recently found my Varsity jacket from High School (yes I had one, go ahead beat me up, it looked great with combat boots and platinum blonde hair), and I had absconded away with my uniform when they kicked me off the squad (again the combat boots were not seen as displaying the proper amount of school spirit, nor were Chuck Taylor's or pink hair). My mother packed this away when they packed away my life when they kicked me out of the house. Recently my mother had unearthed the uniform, and then proceeded to lose it again. Thwarted again.

#5 Catholic School Girl: As you can tell from the photos (to be uploaded tomorrow cos my computer's bein' a bitch), this is what I ended up. It was sort of what I knew I would end up, but I was trying to be more creative than that. Catholic School girl is such a cliche costume, it's like naughty nurse or flight attendant, it's played out. After seeing the photos though, with the red-eye I look like a senior at Satan's School for Girls (don't watch the movie, it sucks). Sometimes the costume chooses us, or the Hot Topic makes the perfect skirt and shirt and you can't stop yourself from uncontrollably spending. Bastards.

Friday Night: I hadn't planned on dressing up on Friday, it was sort of a last second thing, so I hauled ass to pull myself together while watching the Best of Jimmy Fallon with Khrysten. She was my photographer cos I forgot my camera and apparently no one else I know wanted to commemorate Halloween insanity. We went to the bar as per usual. Then we headed to Mad Planet. On the east side of the river we were the only people dressed up. On the west side, we were not alone by any means. We being Amanda, Neil, Gene and I. I've decided to list my favorite costumes from each night, and here is friday:

#1 Towlie from South Park. Fucking Brilliant
#2 X-mas tree girl, who lit up and played X-mas music.
#3 Guy dressed up like the dude from Team America World Police. Dirka Dirka
#4 Pennywise the Clown: still giving me the creeps 3 days later...
#5 Cow Bell Guy, just cos I got the joke. We need more cowbell!! (to get the joke watch the Best of Will Ferrell SNL DVD or the Best of Christopher Walken SNL DVD)

Saturday Night: A Catholic Bishop, a Cowboy and a School Girl walk into a bar, ouch. I met the boys at the landmark, where the Kool bitches gave us some swag, then we headed over to the Von Trier for some back room shindig. There was free booze, but I could not partake cos I needed to get my ass to Racine. In Racine I went to the Ivanhoe (aka the 'hoe) to meet Khrysten (little red devil girl), Dave (another cowboy), Joe (vampire) and Chris (either a vampire victim or a sex slave, couldn't tell), which is where the complete and utter madness was.

Milwaukee Best:
#1 Abortion Doctor at the Landmark, F-ing brilliant use of coat hanger
#2 Fidel Castro
#3 Star Wars Walker thingy (from the old star wars, I have no clue what the thing is called but it was an amazing costume)
#4 Frida Kahlo
#5 Tie between: Twinkie the Kid and the guy dressed up like a middle eastern water pipe.
Honorable mentions: LHG- Level Headed Guy (just cos I had to figure it out), Dr. Evil Knevil (for pure ingenuity)

Racine's best:
#1 BETTIE FUCKING PAGE!!
#2 Australian Ostritch racer
#3 Serial Killer complete with head and hatchet
#4 Doug, owner of the Ivanhoe for wearing pirate regalia, carrying a mead cup, shackles, a real human skull and a rubber chicken
#5 Tie between Khrysten's Little Red Devil and Joe's Vampire


Things learned this Halloween:
#1 Halloween is all about boobs for girls.
#2 The only costumes that are cool for chicks involve objectifying stereotypes, and for one night a year (or 2) we don't fucking care.
#3 Wives don't like to watch their husbands fondle school girls, but they will any ways.
#4 Old Pimp Dudes can't stop calling me a little slut.
#5 When the crowd cries 'one more button' you should obey.
#6 A wooden ruler is a neccessity if you are a Catholic School Girl, don't leave home without one.
#7 A Trolley full of Elvises can be hi-larious at times.
#8 Did I mention the boobs?
#9 Catholisicm is an incredibly popular Halloween choice, between the popes, priests, the bishop, the nuns and myself I think we proved people fear Catholics, or love them.
#10 Raging 'til dawn is still possible if you have enough sarcasm to keep you going (and Firefly and The Best of Will Ferrell)

Swag collected:
Kool fan (good protection against fog machines), 2 lighters (cos Neil broke his), cheesy mardi-gras like necklace, glowing button, lolli-pop, and a Joan of Arc icon (warrior women rule).

Hours spent sleeping this weekend: 10
Hours spent in costume: 13

All in all, Halloween weekend was pretty much a success. More Halloweenie madness tomorrow!

Thursday...

So I skipped Wednesday, shoot me! It's not like anyone is reading any of this!

Miers Withdraws From Court Nomination, Let The Cronyism Begin!

It's Not As Fun When They Don't Have Real Names: Beta Churns!

Iran Wants Israel Wiped Off Of Map, Israel Rolls Eyes and Sighs

And Israel Wonders Why No One Likes Them

We Already Screwed Up Wilma, But We're Real Sorry, And Delusional

Big Brother is Watching, Even Though They Shouldn't Be

Halloween is Only Coming to Showtime, Sorry

Hitler's Hi-larious!

And Finally:
The Bluth's Weren't the Only People in Bed with Saddam

Find something funny in here? Enjoying what I pick? Wish I picked something else? Let me know in the comments! Cos I LOVE comments biatch!

Cos I'm Awake Before All My Friends...

Every morning I scour the internet to find the best in news. Well what I would deem the best in news. Then I pass it on to my pals. In an attempt to keep this blog active I will now post them here as well. If you are someone who is currently getting this email, and you read this blog enough to not need the email anymore let me know. I'd just assume only post them here!

Also, immediately go check out: My Inner Child Plays with Matches, under the 'blogs i read daily' header. This guy is a riot, and is one of the best reasons to 'support our troops.'

Monday's News:

Somehow Not As Funny As When It Happens To Us: Looting in Mexico

Archimedes Was Full of Shit: Historical Laser Disproved

Plague Hits England: Squab Anyone?

America: We're Not God, But We're Trying

What Happens When Sex Offenders Breed?

Rage Against Intelligent Design

Eating Brains Ain't Their Only Problem (notably not about zombies)

Muslims 1 Christians 0: DVD Causes Riot!


Tuesday's News:

Cheney's Been a Bad, Bad Boy (The photo alone makes this worth clicking)

Eminem's Not the Best Landlord

8 Year-old Girls Don't just want Teddy Bears, They Want Bear Guns!

Basquing in the Afterbomb

Rosa Parks Gets on the Big Bus to Heaven (& Still Refuses to Sit in Back!)

Taxes: Not As Voluntary As Hoped

Colder Days & Thursdays Get Me Down...

So today, it is officially cold outside. When I say cold I don’t mean like 60 degrees, I mean flurry advisory I can see smoke come out of my mouth even when I’m not outside chain smoking like a fiend, cold. This means only one thing: Good-bye joy.

The ushering in of the colder weather is making me feel like shit. It is a portent of things to come. A Bad Omen of sorts. It is the warden closing the door and effectively freezing it shut.

Things that the cold means:

#1 Freezing my ass off in an apartment that was designed for warmer climes, not for the great north woods.
#2 Not being able to flee Wausau due to snow drifts higher than my car.
#3 No one coming to visit me, not that people were pounding down my door.
#4 The holidays, ugg the holidays!
#5 Me, trapped by frigid circumstance, hearing things on the weather like it’ll be about minus 5 today, and thinking that this is a warming trend.

The cold is a harsh mistress who will tie me to my couch and force me to eat canned soup for 5 months. Canned soup? Well last winter it was all i could afford after my electric bills. Last winter I had a $140 electric bill for my 2 bedroom apartment. Yes, you read that right, $140 for a rinky dink apartment. It was this high with the heat in two rooms never being put above 50 degrees (and the rooms being closed off), the heat turned off in my bathroom, my computer being unplugged, as was every non-essential appliance, and my heat never set above 65 degrees. I spent last winter huddled in layers of clothing and under 2-3 blankets on my couch. Usually I was sporting a hoodie as well, with the hood precariously perched over my head. My cats would huddle beneath the blankets for warmth. When I took a shower my hands and feet burned in only the way that the frost bitten can. And I lived like this from November to April. At one point we had 30 below zero temperatures with wind chill of minus 50, it was so cold my patio door started growing a frost monster.

You are asking yourself why I don’t just move. It’s simple. No one in this god-forsaken town will give me anything under a 12 month lease. And only about a quarter of those fuckers will let me have my cats. I currently live in one of those fuckers buildings, which was advertised as super-duper deluxe apartment living (or something like that), but which I think would count as near to projects-style living anywhere else. My only choice was to not move out and switch to month to month leasing. BUT here’s the catch, I have to pay an extra $25 a month (which I don’t have at all) and I am locked into a 5 month lease cos we aren’t allowed to leave during the winter months (cos it's hard to get people to move in 30 below zero weather). It’s a lease, but I have to pay month to month rates. Make sense to you? Yeah me neither.

Why do I need month to month? So I can flee this god-forsaken shit hole as soon as is possible. I cannot emphasize enough how much it sucks to live up here. I never thought it would be this bad. I thought I would make new friends, I thought that my friends would visit me, I thought that I would find things to do (cos up here, this is the big city), I thought I would have more money, I thought I wouldn’t have to drive home to Milwaukee every weekend to keep myself from hanging myself in my walk-in closet. The contrary is the truth to all of these things.
This weather is making me depressed; it’s making me feel like shit. Already I want to stop going to Milwaukee cos it’s easier not to miss something when you removed it from your life rather than had it taken away. It’ll just be easier, so when I cannot drive down I won’t feel like running into traffic (or in front of a gigantic snowplow) in a manic fit, I will have already been planning my tango with the snowplow for months. It’ll be easier cos then when I don’t ever see my friends I won’t be bothered that they don’t visit. It’ll be easier cos when I am not even getting the remotest amount of sex I will go back to remembering what the chaste life was like and can put my mind back on important things like counted cross stitch and making the cats jewelry.

I can forget what intellectual discourse is, or what drinking for fun (not warmth) is like, or what leaving the house and seeing other people is like (trips to the Super-Walmart and grocery store do not count). I can reacquaint myself with my DVD player, and probably forgo my cell-phone cos if I’m not going anywhere I don’t really need it. Mostly I can forget about fun and laughter and getting into trouble. I can just forget about actually living like a 26 year old, and go back to my 80 year old spinster ways. Cos that’s really the only life I can have here anyways.

I hate the cold. I hate flurry advisories. I hate that I don’t have enough money to go down to Milwaukee every single weekend until I can no longer just so I can try to absorb as much fun and stimulation as possible so as to make my inevitable entrapment a little more tolerable. Mostly I just hate feeling like this. Global warming? Not here.

Zombie Attack? Not a big deal...

Survivor
You scored 82 Survival, 62 Leadership, and 74 Psychological!

You have all the skills necessary to walk out of this situation alive. Aside from that your leadership is good enough to keep a couple others alive for a little while but a better leader is probably somewhere out there. And as for your mind: you've got yourself more or less together. The odds of your cracking up a small unless presented with a very extreme situation. Estimated Survival Time: 6 Months

Link: The Real Zombie Attack Survival Test written by WillOlmen on Ok Cupid