News For You!

Cos the news seemed so popular last week, it's back again!

It's Not Called Tornado Alley for Nothing

File Under: DUH!

Child Cries: "Daddy I Was a Jew Today"

That's Distracting? I Would Have Been So Screwed if That Were My School

Smugglers Inspired By Lost? Where's Charlie?

Cos the Word Bribe Doesn't Insinuate Favoritism

If Naomi Campbell Hosted America's Next Top Model Would She Kick Janice Dickenson's Ass?

It's Like a Genocide Scrapbook!

I'm Okay with This Only if She Doesn't Let Joe Near it!

Cos it Turned Out So Well for Utah and New Mexico...

Can We Send Cats to Guantanomo?

Russell Simmons Deaf Poetry, The Bitch Broke My Heart, Jam

Welcome to Spring Forward, Fall Back Indiana

She Once Serviced Men, Now She's Customer Service

Snakes in a Car

So That's How School Girls Got their Reputation!

Go visit my Renter! He has lots of much funnier news, cos this news list seemed like a better idea before I realized few things will ever beat the Miss Deaf Texas sroty... Go see Rob, he's so lonely for your touch...

Welcome Rob & Some Rants

I would first off like to welcome my new renter 'Rob in China.' If you like the crack-ass news I dig up, you will love his blog. On his blog right now are photos of Pug dogs dressed up in hot dog buns with mustard and ketschup on their little pug backs. Frickking hilarious! For every news story he also finds appropriate photos. Things like a man urinating into a car gas tank, or panda's mating (yeah I bet you didn't think they did that either). Anyways I really enjoy his blog. I have found myself on more than one occasion laughing my ass off about some random news story that fell through the cracks. He's only here for a limited engagement, so go click on him now!

In other news...

There are 3 recents news bits that have me flaming pissed.

News Bit #1- Eric over at Panic Blog has been getting flak over a news story that I posted. Remember the 18 year old Deaf Miss Texas who got hit by a train and died while text messaging? Go to Eric's blog for the full details, cos the article link doesn't work anymore. Anyways, he remarked that he thought, while sad, that this article was hilarious. It's one of those things you shouldn't laugh at, but you can't help yourself from laughing at. Well some anonymous freak starting rattling about how this was a tragedy, blah blah blah and how Eric is evil. So I have decided to show in a few simple steps why in fact this story is hilarious, because obviously Miss Deaf TX, was not the sharpest crayon in the box.

#1- As a non-deaf person I have always been told to not walk on or near train tracks, because it is extremely dangerous. A deaf person, WHO CAN'T HEAR THE FUCKING TRAIN, I think that sentiment goes double for. She was clearly aware that she was deaf cos she entered a fucking pageant for it!

#2- It's Texas, so why in the hell does a train in Texas have a SNOW PLOW on it? That alone makes this comedy, because the snow plow is what got her!

#3- As an adolescent I naturally threw away the warning that had gotten me to this point in life about railroad tracks and had begun fucking around on railroad tracks. (and just for all of your information, no you cannot derail a train by putting the following items on the tracks: a penny, a dime, a quarter, a nickle, a collection of rocks, a shoe, a really long plastic rod thing that you thought might get caught on the spinnie parts of the train wheel-thing, a construction cone, half a skateboard, Hot Wheels cars, or crushed soda cans. The entire community of Hartland is thankful for this.) When you fuck around on the railroad tracks you notice that a good deal of time before you can see the train, you can feel the vibrations, which tell you 'get the fuck off the tracks idiot!.' Seeing as deaf people naturally have their other senses enhanced (like feel, smell and sight) Deaf-Girl should have felt the rumblings of the train long before the snow plow could be a threat. Had she turned around and seen the train after feeling the rumblings she still would have had plenty of time. Even with an Amcrash you have time to move.

#4 Isn't it dangerous for a deaf girl to be walking the streets? Mostly cos she can't hear if someone is about to attack her, or hit her with a car or train? Why didn't someone get the girl a fucking bicycle, so she could at least ride on the sidewalks and have mirrors to see behind her? Plus she was 18, you can legally drive a car if you are deaf, why didn't she spend some of those pageant earnings on a fucking car?!?!

These factors when added together with text messaging show that 1. She wasn't a bright girl by any means, deaf or not, 2. If it hadn't happened this time, eventually her idiocy would have led to her innevitable death by another equally asinine method. Honestly the only thing that could have made this funnier is if she were Deaf Littlest Miss Texas, and she had been killed by an oncoming pontoon boat. (regardless it is always sad when someone dies, but when it is a Darwin Awards nominee sort of death, you still have to laugh. Also I would like to personally congratulate the first runner up in the Miss Deaf Texas Pageant, I hope your reign as queen will be less deadly)

News Bit #2: Immigration Rights.

Okay people, there are plenty of legal ways to enter this country, and there are ways to legally get citizenship. With this said, WHY WOULD AN ILLEGAL ALIEN DESERVE RIGHTS? Seeing as #1 their presence is ILLEGAL and #2 they are an ALIEN. That's like telling me if I rob a bank I still deserve the right to make a withdrawl from the same bank. BULLSHIT.

Running your pregnant Senorita across the US border when she is ready to pop so she can give birth on US soil and thus produce an American Citizen is Bullshit. That goes for you too China, sending your pregnant women over here to give birth so the baby doesn't get killed in China or worse, in case she is born a girl and fills you with shame, are not excuses either. Join the 21st Century, learn about Human Rights (like the US should talk, but still....).

Now I know, I know, But BEG, who will fill low income crap jobs like hotel maid and fruit picker if we don't let the illegals in and let them stay? How about some actual AMERICANS who are unemployed and living on the poverty mark with 3 kids? I'm pretty sure someone who dropped out of high school freshman year to pursue their life long dream of breeding might welcome a chance to make $7.00 an hour wiping down bathroom sinks. No offense, but I'm pretty sure if LEGAL workers had jobs like that, there would be a natural rise in wages and whatnot because they couldn't just hire someone who can't speak English and who doesn't know how much their check should be for how long they worked.

I live in WI, and because we have some of the most lienient rules regarding illegals we are illegal central. I'm not just talking Mexicans, this has nothing to do with where they come from, because I can guarantee you a good deal of the Hmong up here aren't legal, I doubt some of the Somali's are either. (Some Eastern Europeaners, Russians, East Indians, other Asians and African and South Americans are all guilty also of being illegal, so don't even dare call me racist. This has nothing to do with race and everything to do with legal citizenship). Recently they proposed a bill to make it nearly impossible for illegals to get drivers licenses.

I have to admit I was shocked as shit when I learned that apparently, I didn't need that birth certificate and social security number I was required to provide to get my license. Apparently all I need is to stand in the 'non-English' speaking line and smile. Why on earth would any state let illegal immigrants get drivers licenses or state IDs? I mean, that legitimizes them in some way, and makes it easier for them to establish a life here.

Here's the main problem to me. So many illegal immigrants come to the US and unless they are in a major city like NYC or LA they aren't sniffed out. They don't live in fear that they will get sent back or to prison. Deportation isn't threatening when you can just jump the border again.

The resources sucked by illegals are also alarming. Think about it, because they are illegal they don't get health care benefits, when little Sergei breaks his arm, who's paying for it? Legitimate citizens are. Illegals are usually paid in cash, they are not paying taxes, social security, medicare, medicaid, any of it, YET they are drawing resources from the American government. To me this is bullshit.

I am only second generation American. My great grandmother, great grandfather, grandmother and grandfather all came over here on boats. BUT they all came legally. They all had visas, they all applied for citizenship and learned the pledge of allegiance and the history of the US. They came here because they wanted a better life forever, and they wanted their children and grandchildren to have these better lives. But you can't get those better lives if you aren't legal! Teaching your children to live a life beneath the law only creates criminals. I know that there are sucess stories of poverty stricken latinos coming to america and their kids growing up to be six-figure earners. BUT this is the exception and not the standard.

Being an illegal immigrant in this country should be a felony, and it should be mark for immediate deportation. If we can't stop them from coming in the crappy way we've been trying (yeah cos 15 guys can patrol the entire boarder of Texas and Mexico!) then maybe a wall isn't the worst idea ever. We need to keep track of people with work and school and vacation visas to make sure they really do leave when they are supposed to or begin to go through the proper channels to become citizens. Maybe we need a visa patrol who are like probationary officers for people who are not citizens of this country, who check up on them and make sure things are staying on the up and up. Remember if someone had followed up in the expired education visas of the 9/11 hijackers and deported them, 9/11 may not have been, or may not have been as tragic as it was.

News Bit #3 - Freedom of Choice - Dateline: South Dakota

This issue for me will soon be an entire blog post, complete with soapbox jumping and general WTF is wrong with people mentality. Until then there is this:

An Open Letter to the Residents of South Dakota (and Pro-Lifers everywhere):

Before you cast that vote to make ALL abortion illegal in your state even in the event of rape and incest, and only allowing for abortion to be used as a heroic measure to save the life of the mother I ask you to consider the following questions:

1. If you recommend that these women give their children up for adoption, how many babies are you willing to adopt. By babies I mean babies of mixed ethnicities, or who may be of a different ethnicity than yourself who may have AIDS, fetal alcohol poisoning, who may be crack babies, mentally retarded, have birth defects, be prematurely born or otherwise disabled or disadvantaged. I am not talking healthy white babies.
2. Are you willing to dish out the cash to pay for their pre-natal care, and their delivery costs? Prenatal care costs an average of $800 per woman, the average birth costs $2500-$11,000 (to term with prenatal care, higher cost is for ceasarian), BUT the average cost associated with a premature birth, neo-natal care, postnatal problems, birth defects or complicated birth is over $41,000 and can range up to almost half a million dollars.
3. Are you willing to increase your tax base to accomodate the increased strain put on the social services in your state or county. Are you willing to pay more in taxes to cover the local health care clinic, the day care for low-income families, and the costs foster care? Are you willing to have your local middle and high schools have day care centers for students children? Are you willing to pay for the increase in social workers that will be needed, for job training for mothers who could not finish high school, for Mother and Infant Health Clinics? If you think the costs of abortions are high, just wait until you see the real cost of banning abortion.
4. Are you ready to attend the funerals of girls who get back-alley abortions or who go to snake oil doctors in Mexico and other places and die due to hemorraging or infection because they had no access to safe legal care? Are you willing to tell each of their parents that their daughters deserved to die for breaking the law, for doing something that your religion (and not necessarily theirs) says is wrong? That their little girl got what she deserved for being a whore? (even though you probably also don't think that the birth control she could have used to prevent the pregnancy is right either?)
5. Are you willing to tell victims of rape and incest that the crimes committed against them mean nothing? Are you willing to pay for their therapy as they face a life raising the spawn that was made in an act of hate, power and control? Are you willing to tell these women that the crime committed against them is less offensive than the one they may commit in ending the life of a 'child' created from rape? Are you willing to tell a little girl that the in-bred child inside of her because her father raped her is a gift from God? Also if any of you can explain or define to me "simple rape" as mentioned by State Senator Bill Napoli of Rapid City, SD, I would be forever greatful.

If you are willing to do each and everyone of these things, carry the financial burden imposed by increased birth rate, and carry the social burden that will innevitably lead to poverty and increased crime. Then go ahead, vote to uphold the ban. But if you aren't willing to do even one of the things on this list, then you have to vote no, because if you aren't willing to carry the burden, what right do you have to tell a woman what burden to carry.

Sincerely, BEG

BTW: I would like to introduce you all to my hero in all of this abortion madness: the President of the Ogala Sioux Nation Cecelia Fire Thunder. She swears she will find a way for abortion to be offered on tribal lands to all women of South Dakota, even if it means paying for it herself. You can read more about what Fire Thunder Proposes here: Indian Planned Parenthood? She is a hero, and I wish more people had the balls to stand up to a bunch of lazy rich white dudes leading lives of luxury like she is. If you can support her, even if it's just dropping her an email please do so: Fire Thunder Contact info I would like to mention that the Pine-Ridge Reservation is one of the poorest in the country, for the leader of such a people to not only care about doing this for her women, for all the women in her state is a pretty big thing. Wounded Knee took place on this reservation, you can learn more about the conditions of this place to truely understand the poverty and why Ms. Fire Thunders offer is even more meaningful here: Pine Ridge Reservation

Rant over, Now don't you want to go read some silly Chinese news? Click on my renter, and feel the rush of relief!

News of an Apocaylptic Sort...

I heard your screams for more news, I heard them all the way over here! So now, I give you the news, in the way only I can bring it to you!

Hung Like a Horse Has a Whole New Meaning...

A New Example to Offer When He Won't Ask For Directions

Just Take the Ticket Stupid...

It Might Not be a Big Deal to Her, But the Pubic, I Mean Public May Beg to Differ

Booze + Big Kitty = Idiot

She Seemed Awful Quiet, and the Rent Was Good

Babies Love Bleach!!!

It's Not the Dogs! I Told You, it's the People!

Cos the Job Didn't Suck Before the Nakedness

Locked in Bedroom for Years, Girl Confides in Deli Man

Crocodiles, Like AIDS, Don't Care Who You Are

It Took a Coke Shortage for People to Realize Zimbabwe Has No Money???

Wisconsin Wants Plan B, Your State Should Join the Fight!

Chef's Departure = Hilarity for Sure!

Wine and Porn Together At Last!

Who Needs a Grave Anyways??

My, What Lovely Potatoes You Have

How Long Will the 'Wrath of God' Election Speech Work?

You Can't Take the Gnomes From Me!

Just for A2: Miss Deaf Texas Texting on Tracks, Gets Hit By Train

And Finally: The logodaedalus was incompossible with the jobernowl, who believes that the zoozoo was tasty right down to supernaculum



If I were a man, I'd totally want to be Paul Rudd. Look at him, isn't he just sassy? Sassy Pants Rudd, oh yeah! Until the news is stranger than fiction again, I say Adieu!

Whiplash Smile

My new renter this week is Whiplash Smile, which is a blog that I've had blogmarked for some time. Why you may ask? Because Serra's kinda crazy. Kinda crazy in that way I'm kinda crazy. I would like to thank Serra for renting this week! Also whenever I see her screen name I am taken to a Firefly place, a place with Inara Serra, who is my favorite Firefly character.

She has a feature called ask your Psychic Fiend (yes it's spelled correctly), and it's hilarious. I can only image it is a mockery of Elsa Elsa's blog, which I have to admit, I once asked a question of (to which I was told my role was to serve or suffer, which seems kinda harsh). The psychic fiend is currently taped up, but is accepting new questions right now. And Fuck Yeah! I can take a joke!

She also has a business with it's own blog too Scented Business, where she sells things that would make nice gifts for yourself or others (that alpaca scarf is gorgeous!).

I really enjoy Serra's plan to reconfigure the PBS pledge drive. I too was watching the Very Best of Monty Python and was interrupted by boring hosts and fat people in matching T-shirts answering phones. I too was irritated by it. Only I didn't come up with a new plan. She did:

Here's the new plan: PBS should BEGIN the program section that is advertised for pledge-breaking annoyance with the HOSTS, not the funny and good PROGRAM they're trying to raise money to carry. You see, if this segment BEGAN with, "Hi! We're your gag-inducing hosts, Suzy Creamcheese and Guy Dilhole. You're stuck with us until you send us enough money to put Monty Python's Flying Circus in this time slot. We're going to stay here, annoying the living piss right out of all of you, until you all call in and pledge enough money to fund this program," they'd have those on-the-fence (and on-the-dole) viewers so sick of them within 10 minutes that they'd have every cent it costs to show Monty Python on PBS.

I would send them money to make them shut up. I think this plan is brilliant! BTW: Did I mention she then enacts how this would go down with sock puppets? YES, I said sock puppets (well she talks of imagining it going down with sock puppets).

Anyways I think you should go check out Whiplash Smile. She's a fellow northern Mid-Westerner (Who put me on her Hot Blogs list with Bonanza, which I gotta say, makes me feel honored), she's got cats, and it very creative. Plus, her blog's real pretty.

Make me proud readers, cos I so do not want to have to threaten you all with my Patti Hearst photo.

Also: How in the hell do I get ANYONE to let me rent their blog. NO ONE will let me rent their blog. I haven't been able to rent a blog for over 2 weeks. WTF people? Is it the cooties???

Random Post

This is hands down the cutest photo ever taken. Honest to god, does it get any cuter than this?
BTW: If my cat had a monkey friend, it might be enough to wear him out to the point of sleeping through the night.

I really have nothing productive or even conclusive to blog about. So instead I am going to blog at random. None of these thoughts are inner connected, they are just in my head. Some are lessons I think I should pass on to you, others are inventions I think need to be made, and the rest is just brain junk. Enjoy!

I think there should be ear plugs that drown out the noise of your cat banging on things and meowing at 3am, but which will still allow you to hear the alarm clock. Cos if my cat keeps this shit up I will be useless in about 2 days. Cos I can't sleep when he insists on being an asshole all night. I've tried everything to stop him: wearing him out, idle threats, not-so-idle threats, spraying him with water, feeding him so he gets sleepy when I do. Nope, nothing works. If anyone has a suggestion I'd be happy to hear it cos once again I am at a loss. I feel like a new parent with the baby that keeps you up all night, only this is no fruit of my loins. I'm also pretty convinced the upstairs neighbors (whom I have NEVER seen), probably think I'm a schizophrenic because I obviously live alone and they hear me yelling at 3am things like "Mister cut it out" "Mister shut the fuck up" "Mister I hate you" "Why Mister? Why won't you let me sleep??"

When going to the dentist for fillings it is wise to ask him beforehand what he plans on doing. Cos afterwards when 3/4 of your mouth is numb and you are starving you'll at least of had warning. I learned this lesson the hard way this week. The good news: 6 fillings: the bad news: ate a chunk out of my lip cos I didn't know it was there. It's sad when the good news involves novocaine and enamel.

Who in the hell takes a grocery cart to a photo studio?

Just when you think that you won't have enough money for groceries, sometimes your state tax refund shows up in your bank account. I needed to go grocery shopping today, but considering my last check involved paying my $600 in rent and other end of month bills I was left with under $100. Which is fine when you get paid weekly, I don't see another check until the 16th. It was a relief to know not only can I eat, but I can buy my Pepsi and cigarettes as well. Thank you state of Wisconsin for finally doing something right!

I don't understand why I cannot take a self-portrait with my digital camera like everyone else on earth. I also don't understand why I photograph horribly. I really wanted to take pictures of my Meredith Grey bangs to show every one who is not in my vicinity, and I just can't figure it out. Even if the photo is okay I look like absolute shit. I feel like I may need to spend quality time prepping myself for a 3 second photo. Everyone else looks cute on the fly in their self-portraits, why not me?

Stripper Shoes are optional

I told Michael I couldn't come to New York City because I was concerned my Hooded Sweatshirt lifestyle would be frowned upon. To which I was told, Hooded Sweatshirts are all the rage. Because I live in the middle of nowhere, I am so behind on anything that might be cool that I just assume that my 'style' is out. Although I keep seeing those damn gauchos everywhere and I think for my birthday I'm going to buy myself a pair cos I really really like them, and they are really comfortable. (BTW: I may be the only person on earth who finds herself growing to love the gauchos)

Everytime I go to list new stuff on eBay the fucking methods and set-up changes. My Auctions! Apparently they also changed the auction formats so you can find IT and look at IT and bid on IT. But now to 'watch' an item you have to be Sherlock Fucking Holmes just to find the link to 'watch' the item. Do they think this will inspire people to stop watching and start bidding, as if they would think 'damn I can't find the watch button, I'll just bid on it so I can keep track of it.' I gotta say this is some shit logic, cos instead of inspiring buying, the impossibility of finding the watch button (it's under the auction info now BTW) only made me want to try to find the item elsewhere! Fucking eBay.

It looks so harmless, BITCHES!

I'm a poor winner. I say this because last week for Wendi's birthday we went out for dinner with her husband and a friend and then came back to my place to play Scene It? After winning the first round by a land slide I stood up and made some comment about beating them. I think I also called them bitches. As an only child I am extremely competative. Playing Monopoly against yourself during your formative years will do this to you. You always win when you play yourself, so naturally then when you play in groups you expect to win. So when I win, I self-congratulate to a sick degree. When playing games with my old friends (there are some friends who would just assume not play games with me cos I get so mean) this sort of ass-head behavior was expected. I feel bad letting it loose on innocent new people. Although I did win again and was ahead in Trivial Pursuit when we gave up. Wendi's hubby did beat me once at Scene It? and had we played again I am sure he would have done so again.

Randomness done. If I had a new renter I'd pimp them here. You should be my new renter. Click on it and bid!

Useless

I have a new tenant and I thought I'd try doing this whole renting thng up proper with a decent introduction, instead of my usual idol threats. Although beware! Duck Girl is still about with the bat of accountability just waiting to beat some sense into you!

My new renter this week is Useless Advise from Useless Men. This blog is hands down hilarious. It's like We 3 Bitches only with guys and the occasional useless gal. The questions seem to revolve around bodily functions, which as a girl who has spent quality time with a father who calls himself 'Mr Stinky' can attest to, is definately a topic close to many men's hearts.

The answers to the questions are funny and well thought out. I personally enjoyed the 'Why is there no stinky balls section of the Wal-mart' question (question 231) and answer. If you head back into their archives they cover everything from why one's husband's addiction to the game Chicken Invasion is healthy and normal, to how to train your cat to stay out of the Christmas tree, why the olympics are in Torino but they keep saying Turin, and how to deal with one's love of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

If I were a guy I'm pretty sure I'd be apart of this crew. Seriously. I am in like with this site so much I might add it to my blogroll after they are done renting.

Example advise about a reader's love of the doughboy:
I suggest you begin by contacting Pillsbury. Don't take any heat in their claim that’s he’s a fictional character. That's just their cover. Like any parents, they can be over-protective.That adorable little baker was the result of a microwave accident years ago. His doughy body and infectious giggle are the result of radical overexposure to radiation from a bad seal in a microwave door. They’re not proud of it, so they try to cover it up.

Now go overthere and click on them, you know you want to. Send them a question, I bet the answer would be hilarious. Hopefully oneday the Bitches and these Guys can get together for a gigantic Q&A!!

Clicky Clicky, Now!!!